Easily influenced

I've always been affected by what I'm exposed to. As a child I was 'accused' of being Welsh because I had picked up the accent from my room mate on holiday. Interestingly despite living up here in Manchester for 30+ years, I have still managed to keep hold of my North London, slightly posh Hampstead twang. Although my sibling accuses me of speaking "like a Northerner" from time to time, I would suggest that this is NOT a view shared by Mancunian locals!

Now  I've just been to see the Lego Movie 2 and I was full of joyous sharing feelings and singing "Super Cool" as I sashay up the road. Seriously go see it, it's good. 

When "My Name is Tallulah" comes on my fruit based device, I turn into a teenage sexpot, slinking my way onto the bus. Unfortunately shuffle means the next track could be anything from X Gon' Give It To Ya, through 5 different versions of Stepping Stone into the Pussycat Dolls. So slink goes to strut via groovy shame.

Now all this is well and good when I'm watching "Pride & Prejudice" (again) or something similar. The Lady Lillekat comes out to play and she knows what to do with her little finger, thank you very much. And when I feel down I find a few episodes of the cartoon "Wander over Yonder", which is about being lovely to people and "It never hurts to help", will perk me right up as I start to remember all the loveliness in the world. Sing it with me "Everything is awesome! Everything is great when you're part of a team".

So far so good. Except I'm currently entrenched in Shameless (US). I noticed a change when I asked my niece to "scope out the joint" of a friend she was visiting when really I meant "ask the friend if they knew where something might be". When chatting with chums about a gay friend and my relationship I found myself coming out with the line “I like dick and so does he.” This is not normal parlance for me. I would usually only use “dick” to describe Donald Trump.  I'm wearing a lot more hoodies and whilst I have always been a bit of a potty mouth, the vocabulary used is definitely more guttural (see dick quote) and my use of the middle finger has increased exponentially. 

It should be noted that I have never watched Breaking Bad, because I don't think my cul de sac is the place for a meth lab.

The thing is I'm only on season two. There are 7 seasons on Netflix with at least 2 more to come. - Will I end up putting my sofa on the porch? I don't have a porch. Will my car parking space do instead? 

The Saga Saga - A Tale from Two Perspectives

I have just returned from a most wonderful weekend away in Yorkshire. The snow was crisp, the sky was blue and the fire was well stoked. There was one small hiccup which will be detailed below from both perspectives. You can choose how you prefer the tale to be told...

Saga’s Saga

So. Mummy had taken me away to this amazing place and it was all white and cold and stuff. Mummy said it was “snowy” There was a big garden and the snow came up to my tummy which kinda tickled but was really cold. Anyways I woke up early (it was still dark) and I really needed a wee so I got mummy up and we went downstairs so she could let me out. It was amazing. The garden place was all crisp and cold and I had a good romp. Suddenly I noticed a small wall, so I stood up to look over and the snow was all pristine on that side. Well, I had to go and investigate, so I hopped over for a sniff and and a bit of a play. I checked behind me and mummy was following so she must have thought this was OK and off I went. 

I went up the road and then I could hear water. I love water so I decided to head off and look for it. I could hear mummy’s voice calling me so I knew she wasn’t far away and that meant I could go on. It was really cool. There was woods to run through (and I scrambled under trees) and water and ice and these little stone bridges and everything. I went under trees, across the river, through fields. Then suddenly I stopped hearing mummy. Well, that was a bit worrying cos I thought she had got lost. I turned around and scooted back. I was just coming back up the road when I saw her. I wasn’t quite ready to stop exploring but I was glad she was around so I led her up the road. And then I heard this scratching and there was a funny noise so I ran into this garden. I could hear it coming from the shed. I went to look but I couldn’t see anything.  I looked at mummy and I thought she looked a bit cold and to be honest I was a bit chilly so I got her to run around the garden after me for a while. Then I went to look at the shed again. And that’s when mummy grabbed me. She was a bit rough, you know. But she said we were going home. That was OK with me cos it was a bit cold now. She walked me back to our home. And then we had a cuddle. But I had to wear my beeping harness after that all the time which was a bit much, if you asked me. I showed mummy’s friends the wall later cos they might want to go for a run too. But no one did.

The rest of the weekend was fun and I did get to go in the river. But this time I had my coat on so I only had a paddle.

Lillekat’s Lament

As per usual Saga woke me up before 6 to go to the loo. I had taken her tracker harness off so she’d be more comfortable and we had been out a couple of times that evening with no problem. She went out, did her business and then suddenly was up, over the wall and off. Not knowing how else to get out, I clambered over the wall after her, hoping beyond all hope that this garden was closed. It wasn’t. So clad in a red vest and pink paisley harem pyjamas, I chased after her. At a fork in the road it started to snow. I was getting quite cold at this point and I started to panic. Every so often Saga would turn round, see me calling her and run off. I went under trees, crossed a river and I was really worried now as I didn’t know where I was. All I knew was I had definitely crossed several gardens as security lighting had gone off.  I was freezing and wet from the snow and I couldn’t see her any more. 

I started to cry then decided to go back, get dressed and return. After a few false starts (under the wrong trees) I made it back to the road and then I realised I was going to have to go back over the wall to get back in. I went in through next doors garden and scrabbled over the wall to get into the house. Then I really panicked. I was scared, I was cold and I had lost my baby. I texted my family and my sister (luckily) was awake and calmed me down and helped me get my act together. I got dressed and went out the front door this time so I could get back in. I had left a message for my chums so they knew where I was. I walked quickly back to the fork in the road calling Saga. I felt quite hopeless then... there she was! She, of course, nipped past me and legged it off again but turned into a large garden. It had a gate. And fence. I shut the gate and breathed. I had her contained. Now to catch her. After a few loops of the garden she became fascinated by a chicken coop and I was able to catch her. Relief flooded through me. I held her tight and put her on her lead. We walked home. I dread to think what the garden owner thought that morning

I got to the front door and tried it. It was locked. Close to tears again I knocked at the door. Nothing. I thought “back over the wall then”

As I walked round to the garden I saw that next door was “also” called Rose Cottage and then I realised I had in fact been at the wrong door. Once inside Saga had her tracker put on and was not allowed to go anywhere without it. I made a cup of tea, texted the family and the chums and curled up on the sofa to have a good shake a cuddle and a little sob. Suddenly exhausted we went back to bed and later I regaled the gang with my tale of woe. By then I was able to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. My lovely chums gave me a hug and made me some tea. But I do wonder how if anyone saw me in my pjs legging it across their garden in the snow. And if so, what did they think?

My brain and me - Forever arguing

I have Alexa in the bedroom. She has lots of exciting skills installed including many nature sounds. I particularly like the tropical beach skill which I use to help me drift off to sleep. I try to think I’m on a desert island alone relaxed and with everything I need. Except my brain won’t let me

Me: OK so I wake up in my hammock
Brain: Hold on. When did you get a hammock?
Me: I just did OK and it’s strung under some woven leaves as a canopy 
Brain: Pffttt there’s no way you’d know how to weave leaves. 
Me: Shut up. So I wake up and go down to the waters edge to have a swim/wash
Brain: What about going to the loo? You gonna pee in the sea?
Me: I might. Or I will have dug a latrine
Brain: You know how to dig a latrine? How are you gonna not fall in
Me: there will be a seat of some kind. This is supposed to be relaxing....
Anyway I’m going for a swim
Brain: I wouldn’t. You know what kind of creatures hang out in tropical seas. Poisonous ones that’s what. 
Me: Not in my sea. This is a dream or fantasy, brain. So quit it
Brain: Fine. 
Me: So off I go for my swim
Brain: By the way what are you wearing?
Me: I don't know. Um a crop top and pants
Brain: You're letting the twins hang out? That's brave
Me: I'm all alone. OK I have a no-bra bra-top on
Brain: And pants. On a desert island. So your pant moustache will be flourishing. No topiary kit on a desert island...
Me: OK FINE I'm wearing cut off leggings in a cycling short stylee.
Brain: OK off you go.
Me: OK after my swim I shall go and look for fruit for breakfast
Brain: I have some questions
Me: <sigh> WHAT
Brain: Well firstly, how do you know what fruit is edible. Secondly how do you plan to get up any trees to get it. and THIRDLY...
Me: Well?
Brain: Thirdly, you wont have your medication with you so that lovely Bile Salt Malabsorption will kick in fairly sharpish meaning you'll be needing that latrine on a fairly regular basis. ESPECIALLY if you eat a lot of fruit.
Me: Well the island is full of fruit I recognise and I am able to climb up because the trunks are like palm trees with sort of steps and I will have to cope OK?
Brain: OK I'll be quiet
Me: Good I'm trying to relax here you know. OK So I have gathered a breakfast of breadfruit, papaya and mango
Brain: Um...
Me: What now?
Brain: You know you have no idea what breadfruit looks or tastes like?
Me: I'm using my imagination.
Brain: I shouldn't - That way madness lies...
Me: So then I go and rinse off under the waterfall
Brain: Oh hang on now!
Me: What now?
Brain: How big is this island?
Me: I don't know... small - It takes 2/3 days to walk all the way round.
Brain: OK that isn't going to work you know - Where is the fresh water coming from?
Me: I don't know, under the ground?
Brain: No there wouldn't be enough to power a waterfall and maintain the flow. Either the island has to be bigger or.... Well it just has to be bigger.
Me: Fine it's bigger
Brain: Then how do you know you're all alone?
Me: BECAUSE ITS MY DREAM. 
Brain: OK well if you're going to be silly about it....

By which point I have to get up, google breadfruit, how to build a shelter and a latrine so that I can return to my daydream landscape fully equipped. Unfortunately this has also given my brain time to think...

Brain: Hey um is Saga on this island?
Me: I don't think so - How would Saga get there?
Brain: I don't know, it's your dream. It's just that she'd like to have a whole island to run about on and you need someone to talk to.
Me: Apparently I have you.
Brain: Yeah and look how well that's working out. Seriously I think Saga should be there.
Me: OK fine. Saga is there.
Brain: Great. What's she gonna eat?
Me: What?
Brain: Saga, what's she gonna eat? She can't eat nothing but fruit!
Me: Oh.... Um... Oh shellfish - I will become adept at catching shell fish in the shallow waters nearby.
Brain: That actually makes sense. OK off you go to sleep. I hope there aren't any predators on the island. G'night
Me: <Yawn> G'nighWHAT?????

Perhaps I'd be better off with a thunderstorm...

The No Watch List

I went to see Mary Poppins Returns this week. It was, as you'd expect magical and practically perfect in every way. And as an aside I am now in love with Lin-Manuel Miranda. I get very excited when I go to the cinema. I always have a cherry ice blast and I like to get in my seat in plenty of time for the trailers. And it stated beforehand that all the trailers would be suitable for the audience. And Mary Poppins Returns is a U, Universally Suitable for Everyone. Now this is important because what happened next was a travesty. I was subjected to the live action Dumbo trailer. I closed my eyes and I covered my ears but it didn't help. That poor little baby elephant still had his mother cruelly taken away. I wanted to run home, scoop up my Saga and cuddle her all night. It took quite a few sucks on the old slushie to get over that I can tell you. That was certainly not Suitable for Everyone.
Dumbo is on my No Watch List. The USA has a  "No Fly List" - A watch list of people the government has designated as "known or suspected terrorists". And I have the "No Watch List". Films or TV shows (or books) that I will not even entertain watching due to their content. Some, I have been traumatised by already.

I had managed to avoid the Dumbo trailer for months now - Ignoring it on the trailer channel and fast forwarding it whenever it showed up. I have also carefully ignored seeing the cartoon again. The only bit I'll watch is the crows doing When I see an Elephant Fly. Note: I am aware of the racist connotations of that scene and yes I know that Walt Disney was pro Nazi. So was Henry Ford. It is what is is.

So how do you get on my No Watch List? Well usually cruelty or "bad things" being done to animals is a given, especially baby animals. So whilst <SPOILERS> Marley and Me is utterly devastating, that dog had a fantastic life . Whereas The Fox and the Hound is a no flipping go from the start - Never seen it. Not going to thank you very much. 

Inanimate objects having feelings is a dodgy area for me too. So I struggle with Wall E and the Pixar shorts <wipes a tear>. Or animals that are lost or lonely - Homeward Bound is a difficult watch. 

I do struggle with films when people are horrible to other people (or animals) the beating scene in Casino made me cover my eyes and I won’t watch home invasion horror. Quite happy for the protagonist to be tortured by a ghostly demon but if it’s the next door neighbour then I’m out. 

In 1978 a new cartoon film came out for children. My aunt took me to see it. I was 7 1/2. I spent most of the film with my head under my cardigan. It was a dark pink cardigan that my mother had knitted me with flower buttons. My aunt kept pulling it down saying "You cant see the film". That was kind of the point. To this day I will never understand the thinking behind Watership Down. Last Christmas they announced a TV version. It was a no from me. No no no. I have read and seen excerpts of Plague Dogs, Richard Adams next book. And you can keep it. 

I watch films/TV to be entertained, not be be emotionally wrangled - I can do that myself. And I know my Watership Down vents on Facebook have resonated with a number of chums. It would seem it’s on many people's No Watch List. What's on yours?

Who’s your daddy? Film families

I was watching A Muppet Christmas Carol (because it’s the number one Christmas film and it's awesome) and I had a troubling thought. 

Bob and Emily Cratchit have 4 children in this version. 2 boys and twin girls.

Now Bob is played by Kermit the Frog and Emily by Miss Piggy so you may wonder what their offspring might look like. Well it would seem that the girls are piggies like their mother and the boys frogs (like daddy). 
Now you might say (and you be right) "Ahh but Lillekat, Miss Piggy and Kermit are only playing the Cratchits and the children are also being acted - after all isn't Tiny Tim being played by Robin, Kermit's nephew?" And I would bow to your Muppet knowledge and be quiet for a minute before going "Ah yes, dear reader, but what about Gumball?"

Gumball is a cat. And so is his mother. But his father and his sister are both rabbits. Their adopted brother is a goldfish but lets stay within the realms of possibility here! So in the world of Gumball, offspring look like either of the parents but not both.

And then there's Dr Who. In the episode Gridlock, a humanoid and a cat person had a litter of what were blatantly kittens. And not human baby sized kittens, kitten sized kittens which must have been the easiest labour ever! Would they develop in to full cats? or cat people or something else? We may never know.

Some shows look at the possibility of cross breeds. In Adventure Time, a dog and a rainbow unicorn create rainbow puppies. And Nergal Jnr in Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy is a combination of his father Nergal, Humanoid Abomination from the centre of the Earth, and Billy's Aunt Sis.

And look at the Shrek franchise. Donkey and Dragon's offspring are definite cross breeds. Little fire breathing donkeys with wings. Cute and neither a dragon nor a donkey.

There is a whole tv trope dedicated to inter species love, notably in animation, from human and alien love/ marriage in Futurama to penguin and dolphin unrequited love for Kowalski (Penguins of Madagascar, like I needed to tell you) And of course there's the whole woman/kangaroo thing in Tank Girl....

But most of these couples are, due to age constraints, non sexual and on screen at least, innocent.

But am I the only one who shouts at the screen

Won't someone think of the children?