My brain and me - Forever arguing

I have Alexa in the bedroom. She has lots of exciting skills installed including many nature sounds. I particularly like the tropical beach skill which I use to help me drift off to sleep. I try to think I’m on a desert island alone relaxed and with everything I need. Except my brain won’t let me

Me: OK so I wake up in my hammock
Brain: Hold on. When did you get a hammock?
Me: I just did OK and it’s strung under some woven leaves as a canopy 
Brain: Pffttt there’s no way you’d know how to weave leaves. 
Me: Shut up. So I wake up and go down to the waters edge to have a swim/wash
Brain: What about going to the loo? You gonna pee in the sea?
Me: I might. Or I will have dug a latrine
Brain: You know how to dig a latrine? How are you gonna not fall in
Me: there will be a seat of some kind. This is supposed to be relaxing....
Anyway I’m going for a swim
Brain: I wouldn’t. You know what kind of creatures hang out in tropical seas. Poisonous ones that’s what. 
Me: Not in my sea. This is a dream or fantasy, brain. So quit it
Brain: Fine. 
Me: So off I go for my swim
Brain: By the way what are you wearing?
Me: I don't know. Um a crop top and pants
Brain: You're letting the twins hang out? That's brave
Me: I'm all alone. OK I have a no-bra bra-top on
Brain: And pants. On a desert island. So your pant moustache will be flourishing. No topiary kit on a desert island...
Me: OK FINE I'm wearing cut off leggings in a cycling short stylee.
Brain: OK off you go.
Me: OK after my swim I shall go and look for fruit for breakfast
Brain: I have some questions
Me: <sigh> WHAT
Brain: Well firstly, how do you know what fruit is edible. Secondly how do you plan to get up any trees to get it. and THIRDLY...
Me: Well?
Brain: Thirdly, you wont have your medication with you so that lovely Bile Salt Malabsorption will kick in fairly sharpish meaning you'll be needing that latrine on a fairly regular basis. ESPECIALLY if you eat a lot of fruit.
Me: Well the island is full of fruit I recognise and I am able to climb up because the trunks are like palm trees with sort of steps and I will have to cope OK?
Brain: OK I'll be quiet
Me: Good I'm trying to relax here you know. OK So I have gathered a breakfast of breadfruit, papaya and mango
Brain: Um...
Me: What now?
Brain: You know you have no idea what breadfruit looks or tastes like?
Me: I'm using my imagination.
Brain: I shouldn't - That way madness lies...
Me: So then I go and rinse off under the waterfall
Brain: Oh hang on now!
Me: What now?
Brain: How big is this island?
Me: I don't know... small - It takes 2/3 days to walk all the way round.
Brain: OK that isn't going to work you know - Where is the fresh water coming from?
Me: I don't know, under the ground?
Brain: No there wouldn't be enough to power a waterfall and maintain the flow. Either the island has to be bigger or.... Well it just has to be bigger.
Me: Fine it's bigger
Brain: Then how do you know you're all alone?
Me: BECAUSE ITS MY DREAM. 
Brain: OK well if you're going to be silly about it....

By which point I have to get up, google breadfruit, how to build a shelter and a latrine so that I can return to my daydream landscape fully equipped. Unfortunately this has also given my brain time to think...

Brain: Hey um is Saga on this island?
Me: I don't think so - How would Saga get there?
Brain: I don't know, it's your dream. It's just that she'd like to have a whole island to run about on and you need someone to talk to.
Me: Apparently I have you.
Brain: Yeah and look how well that's working out. Seriously I think Saga should be there.
Me: OK fine. Saga is there.
Brain: Great. What's she gonna eat?
Me: What?
Brain: Saga, what's she gonna eat? She can't eat nothing but fruit!
Me: Oh.... Um... Oh shellfish - I will become adept at catching shell fish in the shallow waters nearby.
Brain: That actually makes sense. OK off you go to sleep. I hope there aren't any predators on the island. G'night
Me: <Yawn> G'nighWHAT?????

Perhaps I'd be better off with a thunderstorm...

The No Watch List

I went to see Mary Poppins Returns this week. It was, as you'd expect magical and practically perfect in every way. And as an aside I am now in love with Lin-Manuel Miranda. I get very excited when I go to the cinema. I always have a cherry ice blast and I like to get in my seat in plenty of time for the trailers. And it stated beforehand that all the trailers would be suitable for the audience. And Mary Poppins Returns is a U, Universally Suitable for Everyone. Now this is important because what happened next was a travesty. I was subjected to the live action Dumbo trailer. I closed my eyes and I covered my ears but it didn't help. That poor little baby elephant still had his mother cruelly taken away. I wanted to run home, scoop up my Saga and cuddle her all night. It took quite a few sucks on the old slushie to get over that I can tell you. That was certainly not Suitable for Everyone.
Dumbo is on my No Watch List. The USA has a  "No Fly List" - A watch list of people the government has designated as "known or suspected terrorists". And I have the "No Watch List". Films or TV shows (or books) that I will not even entertain watching due to their content. Some, I have been traumatised by already.

I had managed to avoid the Dumbo trailer for months now - Ignoring it on the trailer channel and fast forwarding it whenever it showed up. I have also carefully ignored seeing the cartoon again. The only bit I'll watch is the crows doing When I see an Elephant Fly. Note: I am aware of the racist connotations of that scene and yes I know that Walt Disney was pro Nazi. So was Henry Ford. It is what is is.

So how do you get on my No Watch List? Well usually cruelty or "bad things" being done to animals is a given, especially baby animals. So whilst <SPOILERS> Marley and Me is utterly devastating, that dog had a fantastic life . Whereas The Fox and the Hound is a no flipping go from the start - Never seen it. Not going to thank you very much. 

Inanimate objects having feelings is a dodgy area for me too. So I struggle with Wall E and the Pixar shorts <wipes a tear>. Or animals that are lost or lonely - Homeward Bound is a difficult watch. 

I do struggle with films when people are horrible to other people (or animals) the beating scene in Casino made me cover my eyes and I won’t watch home invasion horror. Quite happy for the protagonist to be tortured by a ghostly demon but if it’s the next door neighbour then I’m out. 

In 1978 a new cartoon film came out for children. My aunt took me to see it. I was 7 1/2. I spent most of the film with my head under my cardigan. It was a dark pink cardigan that my mother had knitted me with flower buttons. My aunt kept pulling it down saying "You cant see the film". That was kind of the point. To this day I will never understand the thinking behind Watership Down. Last Christmas they announced a TV version. It was a no from me. No no no. I have read and seen excerpts of Plague Dogs, Richard Adams next book. And you can keep it. 

I watch films/TV to be entertained, not be be emotionally wrangled - I can do that myself. And I know my Watership Down vents on Facebook have resonated with a number of chums. It would seem it’s on many people's No Watch List. What's on yours?

Who’s your daddy? Film families

I was watching A Muppet Christmas Carol (because it’s the number one Christmas film and it's awesome) and I had a troubling thought. 

Bob and Emily Cratchit have 4 children in this version. 2 boys and twin girls.

Now Bob is played by Kermit the Frog and Emily by Miss Piggy so you may wonder what their offspring might look like. Well it would seem that the girls are piggies like their mother and the boys frogs (like daddy). 
Now you might say (and you be right) "Ahh but Lillekat, Miss Piggy and Kermit are only playing the Cratchits and the children are also being acted - after all isn't Tiny Tim being played by Robin, Kermit's nephew?" And I would bow to your Muppet knowledge and be quiet for a minute before going "Ah yes, dear reader, but what about Gumball?"

Gumball is a cat. And so is his mother. But his father and his sister are both rabbits. Their adopted brother is a goldfish but lets stay within the realms of possibility here! So in the world of Gumball, offspring look like either of the parents but not both.

And then there's Dr Who. In the episode Gridlock, a humanoid and a cat person had a litter of what were blatantly kittens. And not human baby sized kittens, kitten sized kittens which must have been the easiest labour ever! Would they develop in to full cats? or cat people or something else? We may never know.

Some shows look at the possibility of cross breeds. In Adventure Time, a dog and a rainbow unicorn create rainbow puppies. And Nergal Jnr in Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy is a combination of his father Nergal, Humanoid Abomination from the centre of the Earth, and Billy's Aunt Sis.

And look at the Shrek franchise. Donkey and Dragon's offspring are definite cross breeds. Little fire breathing donkeys with wings. Cute and neither a dragon nor a donkey.

There is a whole tv trope dedicated to inter species love, notably in animation, from human and alien love/ marriage in Futurama to penguin and dolphin unrequited love for Kowalski (Penguins of Madagascar, like I needed to tell you) And of course there's the whole woman/kangaroo thing in Tank Girl....

But most of these couples are, due to age constraints, non sexual and on screen at least, innocent.

But am I the only one who shouts at the screen

Won't someone think of the children?

Sweet dreams are made of these

I am very busy in my sleep. I have very realistic dreams which seem to go on for hours. I know this because I remember most of my dreams. Like a film you were sort of watching while playing around on your phone. 

My dreams fall into 3 broad categories. 

• The Weird Dream
• The Adventure Dream
• The Anxiety Dream

The Weird Dream

These usually involve chums and colleagues in odd situations such as 8 or 9 of us all living together in one room (bunk beds) and trying to hide something under one of the beds from one of my colleagues. 

Or being forced to cart a load of computers up a hill so a chum could continue working whilst taking part in a work picnic. 

All seem quite normal whilst mid dream. It’s only on waking up that I go “who with the what now?”

The Adventure Dream

I often have dreams involving vampires and zombies and werewolves (oh my!), a product of my horror fandom I’m sure. Except these are never nightmares. Instead I am usually in the role of “The Hero” working with other heroic types to fight the onslaught of the monsters - Hurrah! There's quite a lot of running, chasing and hiding but I never feel terrified when in the midst of these dreams. No. Terror is reserved for...

The Anxiety Dream

There are 2 sub categories of Anxiety Dream: The "I can't keep us safe" dream and the "I am a failure" dream

The I can't keep us safe usually involves the "Bad Man" (who is never a traditional monster and always a human!) and me and unknown others are hiding from him. But the door doesn't fit in the frame anymore or the lock doesn't work or we are stuck in a tiny cupboard with no way out and he is already in the room. And then I wake up crying and sweating and not wanting to go back to sleep

I am a failure used to be fairly standard - I am doing exams again and I have no idea what the paper says because I cant read it or I don't understand any of it. Recently however, there has been a new twist.

The dream is always the same. I have failed at Maths and Physics and now the only option to me is Embroidery. Obviously. But I'm no good at it and no one will help me because I ought to know stuff but I don't. And the first assignment is to choose threads to match your hair and I can't even do that! And the lectures always clash with something else, my job or Saga. So I ask a friend to take Saga to daycare for me but he can't/won't so I have to take her to class which means I have to sit at the back and I can't hear the lecturer. I try to go and talk with the lecturer afterwards but she isn't in the Maths or Physics departments (surprise!)so I cant find her!

I know value academic achievement too much - It is obviously how I value myself along with my role in the workplace. Which of course I don't currently have. 

And Saga is a constraint- In that I can't travel too much or be away for too long. So I understand the dream. Not entirely sure why embroidery but a friend suggested it was a desire to neatly sew up life and fear I'll fall short. Which sounds eminently plausible. 

But on balance, I think I would prefer the vampires and zombies and werewolves back please.

If I’m not me, who am I?

My very existence has been rocked this weekend as I have lost my job. That said, it almost definitely isn’t down the back of the sofa – I fear it has gone for good. I have been made redundant. I’m being let go, my life's going in a different direction, my body's part of a permanent outplacement, I’m resting, I’m in between roles... pick your favourite. 

I know this happens every day and I think many people feel this existential dread when it does – our self worth is so tied up in what we do and where we do it, how much money we make, what’s our job our level, that to suddenly lose that definition of ourselves can be devastating. As the days creep up I find myself zooming along on a rollercoaster of feelings. Joy that its Christmas and I get to see my wonderful family, fear that I haven’t found another role yet, anger that after 5 years of being “indispensable” I am suddenly very dispensable, love of my colleagues, many of whom are yer actual friends who are all being so supportive even if they are going through the same ghastliness themselves, terrible sadness at not working with those people anymore. And round we go again.

I suspect that post Xmas there will be a Period of Adjustment which may very well include sitting in my pants watching cartoons and eating crisps. But I need to set a time limit on that sort of self pity because it is all too easy to slip down the slide into depression and apathy and that way madness lies! And so I am going to Make A Plan.

My solution will be the use of a pair of goal and project books one which is lot mindfulness and one that helps you design and achieve goals, and an alarm clock.

To The Plan
First thing is Not Lying In Bed All Day. Hence the alarm. I have a tendency to sleep when low so the key will be to get up, shower and get ready for the day, even if that is just doing a few small tasks. Luckily I have The Beast. Saga will need feeding walking and looking after which will give the day structure. 

So I plan to set my self a minimum number of roles or contacts to find and apply for or network with – might be weekly, might be daily, I’ll see how it goes.

It has occurred to me that this would also be a perfect time to also start thinking about my lethargy and lack of exercise/poor diet. After all once I have completed my job app tasks I have the rest of the day free.

I will have to put in a reward system – Maybe some extra special treats. This ass needs more than a stick to make it go! Lots of lovely little carrots. 

Now that I have shared my plan with you, hopefully my desire not to lose face will spur me on through 2019!

See you on the other side!

I would date if I could find someone to date

I am back on the market. The dating market that is. And because I am a busy independent woman in her forties, this entails signing up again for the introduction websites. Time to find a fairly decent pic or two and write a witty, yet possibly sexy without being too outre, sales pitch for the package that is your humble author. Now some sites like chapter and verse, inside leg measurement, the last thing you ate, what and who you like and your intentions, whereas others are only concerned with where you are and a brief paragraph to show your fun carefree side. 

Here's mine

Recently separated, I find myself suddenly "out there" with no idea where there is or what I'm doing. I work hard and I spend much of my spare time with my little Jack Russell. I love going the theatre especially Shakespeare, Noel Coward and Oscar Wilde. I really enjoy stand up comedy in the vein of Dave Gorman, Chris Addison and Russell Howard.

Big fan of Tom Lehrer, cartoons, Radio 4, Wittertainment, Only Connect, Mock the Week, Blackadder, The Big Bang Theory, Discworld and Douglas Adams. I have a favourite artist (Chagall) and a favourite Womble (Tobermory). I think Mystery Incorporated was the best Scooby Doo incarnation and Gravity Falls looks like a pretty cool place to live. I’ve read Dracula and Twilight and I think they both have good bits and... less good bits.

I don't like reality shows or soaps apart from my one guilty pleasure - Strictly. I do like a cryptic crossword (although I'm not always very good at them), sudoku or quiz and I can happily chat for hours on the arts, history or what hilarious thing my dog did today ;)
I have a tendency to talk in quotes and lyrics and my pop culture references are rather stuck in the 1980s! An enthusiastic tea drinker and mediocre tea maker.

So if you like pina coladas and long walks in the rain, if you know why the number 42 is important and the reason one might spend the year dead, if you’ve ever gone totally Bursar, or wished a friend a Happy Hogswatch, if you know how to answer the question “How do you get on the internet” and you worship at the Church of Wittertainment then I might just be the one for you. Let’s get together and plan our escape..



I was quite impressed with it, but it didn't seem to get me much interest :( So I shortened it...

Forty something Southern girl up North. Love to laugh. I like stuff. Also things. Things like films, comedy, radio 4, sci fi/fantasy, good food, good wine, walking the dog, pubs with open fires, good conversation, walking with the dog to a pub with an open fire to eat good food and drink good wine.


Some of them want you to list your perfect partner.....

Someone who can talk about Phineas & Ferb, and also the role of Livia in the development of the Roman Empire and whether I Claudius is more fantasy than fact. I want someone who will go to the cinema to see the latest Pixar film and yet is happy to go to a dark zone for a holiday to use the telescope. I want someone who will sing a duet with me at Karaoke and doesn't need to be bladdered to do so and watches Only Connect, not just because they fancy Victoria Coren. I'd like it if they enjoyed Pratchett, Gaiman and Adams and I'd like them to make me laugh.

Oh and if they could look okish without their shirt and they liked the look of me without my shirt then that would be a win.

Should have them flocking, no? No.

I joined a fairly new site, Bumble. Its quite trendy I think. The lady has to message first <ooh>. No, I don't know how that works in same sex couples. Its a bit Tindery in that you swipe left or right depending on your opinion and its based on pics and location. Possibly because it's new, it seems to have limited subscribers which means I often get the post "Looks like you've run out of people". Oh great. I have exhausted the dating prospects of the north west already. 

My fear is that I will end up doing a Julia. A Julia? You may well ask. Allow me to elucidate. 

Sat on a bus in front of two elderly ladies on their way to lunch at Kendals department store. One was lamenting how Holly (grand daughter perhaps) had left her partner and was now sharing an apartment with 2 other girls in Kensington. Her chum tried to console her but to no avail. "I think she's going to do a Julia." she wailed.
The chum replied, shocked "Surely not! How old is Holly?" "34" was the reply. "There you go then"

Julia, it seems, is 42, single and has a cat and the general opinion is that she is never going to find a chap and apparently we must all despair.

For the record, I raise my glass to Julia and I hope she is bloody happy!

PS If during this blog, you suddenly found yourself unaccountably singing "Ev'rybody Wants to be a Cat", then you may have 10 points and go to the top of the class. 

Ad Break

Have you ever been sitting in your chair, in front of the telly and you get up for a moment to find the remote control and when you return, a small creature is curled up in your spot? Or got up out of bed in the middle of the night to go for a wee and as you get back into bed, you find someone or something nestled in the bed? Then you may have been a victim of Warm Spot Thievery or WaST

 

WaST is usually perpetrated by smaller domesticated animals who seize the opportunity to snuggle into a spot that has been warmed by a human body. The perpetrator or WaSP will wait patiently for you to vacate a sofa, bed or chair before nipping in, curling up and looking for all the world like they have always been there. You may even doubt that you were in fact sat there and look around to see if you were in fact sat somewhere else. Meanwhile the WaSP will stick their nose into their bottom, flatten their ears and ignore any cajoling you might try.

 

WaST victims are now fighting back with the advent of support groups where you can discuss your WaST attacks with other victims and receive sympathy, share ousting techniques and generally support one another over a cup of tea, safe in the knowledge that if you reach for a biscuit, no one will steal your seat.

 

Warm Spot Thievery can no longer hide in the shadows. It is out there. It could be happening to someone you know right now. Lets bring an end to this criminal activity.

 

Say it with me: My spot is my spot even if I do get up for a few minutes.

 

 

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