Not being "good", just being

I am fat. You can put all kinds of nice words around it "voluptuous", "curvy" or "cuddly" but the bottom line is I'm fat. I'm plus sized. I'm in the red zone on the doctors chart. According to my father I am "matronly". 

I have been steadily getting fatter over the last 10 -15 years. Having an underactive thyroid doesn't help but neither is it to blame. I eat too much of the wrong things. And I don't move about enough. That is all. 

I've been happyish about this, quietly changing clothes to have elasticised waists, investigating American websites for more interesting clothes in the multiple xes, all the while making sure I have an eclair within arms reach. And the Bear has been great, telling me he loves me whatever and that I was beautiful.

But three things happened in fairly quick succession. First of all a chum went from cute and cuddly to gorgeous and sexy and I do think that, were I to have such a thing, he would now be out of my league! This was not good for the old ego. 

Next my own beloved Bear started mentioning that I was looking a bit tubbier than usual and he had noticed I obviously wasn't happy - I definitely wasn't feeling like a sex kitten.... More a slovenly sloth! Without really noticing, I had moved from having a "bit of padding" into "carting around an entire mattress". Definitely not good!

The last straw was something I am not particularly proud of so I do not intend to confess it here. Suffice to say I reacted childishly and the upshot was I joined slimming world. 

Here I am 8 weeks later and a stone lighter which is encouraging. And I find slimming world's ethos works for me. I count my Syns. I try to avoid their over sweetened goodies and eat lots of fresh stuff. And I can get into my new trousers!

But some people don't half react very strangely "Ooh are you on a diet?" They say. "I'd better not offer you this Biscuit had I?" Um, I can have what I want.  "Have you been good this week?" Well, the other night I definitely had some impure thoughts about someone I shouldn't do - does that count as not being good?

Eating food isn't naughty or good - and a diet or a change of eating habits isn't supposed to be a punishment. it just is. I guess I'm saying I'm not dieting as such. I'm just trying to change the way I look at food and really notice what I eat. But I'm not being good. Trust me I'm never being "good".

I'm trying to change my habits. If I've had a bad day, I'll reach for the chocolate but a mini bag of buttons rather than a huge bar of fruit n nut. And I'll enjoy every one rather than shoving a whole handful in my gob. If I "deserve a treat" I'll buy myself a new lipstick rather than the fresh cream counter of Selfridges. 

Although I reserve the right to always have salted pretzels covered in toffee and chocolate in the house. Because they are scrummy!