Coming out of the frog box

I went back to work today after 3 1/2 months off with a major depressive episode. As part of my rehabilitation, I have had meetings with my manager and a rep from Human Resources. During these meetings I told them all about bipolar disorder, ibs and hypothyroidism, gave them documents printed from MIND and even showed them my dosset box to illustrate what it's like living with a mental illness. They were rather shocked at the pile of pills, which amused me no end! As I say, "I take all these just to appear normal!"

Rather sweetly, I thought, my manager referred to my openness in his summary letter, thanking me and saying that he really appreciated my willingness to discuss my illness.

I have always been open about my conditions. It is what makes me, me and I am not ashamed of it. I have always known there was something 'wrong' with me, so to have the diagnosis and validation was more of a relief!

When I was a teenager, my parents would say I was "manic depressive" and "just like your aunt / grandmother". But of course in the early 80s there was no Internet to look things up and mental health wasn't discussed. My father's distrust of psychiatrists meant that I never saw a doctor. Later on I attempted to self medicate as many others do. I was treated for my depressive episodes with anti depressants, but my manic episodes were never 'reported' since I was having too much fun! It wasn't until Stephen Fry 'came out' as bipolar that I started to investigate the illness and found myself resonating with the description. Then, some 7 years ago now, I finally plucked up the courage to tell my doctor about the ups and downs. And the rest, as they say, is history. 

There is no shame in having a mental quirk. Its part if what makes you an individual. And whilst it may debilitate you from time to time, it also is responsible for your openness to new ideas, your empathy and creativity. And that's pretty cool. How can we expect people not up be afraid or confused by our behaviour, if we are not willing to discuss it? If we want to be accepted, don't we need to accept ourselves?

Why, there's a wench! Sex and violence, Bard style

I love going to the theatre. I love the thrill when the lights go down and the curtain rises. And I'm lost in another world. I laugh, I cry, I gasp in horror. I can go through so many emotions I am exhausted by the time the play is over, and it's time to race back to the car, only to talk of nothing but what we've seen for days.

Sometimes, you're lucky enough to see a groundbreaking or life changing performance. It might be a single actor giving his or her all to the role. Or it might be an ensemble that works so well together, you lose yourself entirely in their make believe. And that's what happened when we went to see The Propeller company perform Twelfth Night and Taming of the Shrew. 

The Propeller theatre company are an all male troupe, who 'do' Shakespeare as it was done in Shakespeare's time. And, it turns out, do it very very well.

We first saw Twelfth Night, a comedy of mistaken identities, drunken cavorting and unrequited love. Plenty of laughs, often involving the debauched activities of Sir Toby Belch, his chum, his floozy and his fool.  The scene in the garden is just hysterical! Chris Myles' Malvolio is a sight to be seen having taken 'cross gartering' to a new level... This is then balanced against the touching scenes between Viola/Cesario and Duke Orsino and the Countess Olivia and Viola/Cesario. As the lovelorn Viola, Joseph Chance broke my heart and I wanted it never to end. 

The music is provided by the ensemble themselves, and becomes part of the action on stage rather than something separate. Wearing white masks, the ensemble are musicians, statues, props and in my mind somewhat similar to the chorus in Ancient Greek plays.

We left that night, delighted that we were to return the next for the Taming.

Like perhaps a lot of people, my experience of Taming of the Shrew was a mix of Kiss Me Kate and 10 Things I Hate About You. So I was quite unprepared for the drama.

Vince Leigh went from the piteous drunk, Sir Toby Belch, to conniving suitor Petruchio overnight. And never have I been so appalled by and attracted to a man at the same time. His violence and cruelty to Katherine made the audience squirm, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one getting pretty hot around the décolletage whenever he was on stage.

There are laughs a plenty too - the bard is the king of farce and these boys were definitely up for it as well. Arthur Wilson gave a fabulously trashy performance as favourite younger daughter Bianca, flirting away with her 'tutors'.

But for me the relationship between the feisty Katherine and Petruchio stole the show. Dan Wheeler gave us a gothic Kate, intelligent and angry, who is driven to despair by her ruthless husband. To watch her lose her will and defiance and bow to her 'lord' was uncomfortable for the audience. It affected me deeply - so deeply that it inspired me to write this blog.

The Propeller Theatre are currently touring with Twelfth Night and Taming of the Shrew. If they are coming anywhere near you, I heartily recommend that you go. You will not be disappointed.

http://propeller.org.uk/

 

A good support network is like a good bra...

It's been a while, I know, poem notwithstanding. I have been pretty poorly having had a major depressive episode that I am only just now coming out of (3 months later). Throughout this time I have been totally reliant on my husband-carer and my support network, and they have been terrific. The doc did his bit, but as this episode has a very definite cause, there wasn't much he could do, apart from give me the necessary certificates.

Having a support network is a vital part of crawling out of a bipolar hole. From the friend who said "Come for dinner. You don't even have to stay and chat, just come and eat." To the chum who texted me all through the day to make sure I was awake alive and aware. From all my onine chums, making me laugh and feel like i belong, to the chum who kept me up to date with what was going on at work and sent me such lovely messages. These are the people who help you to see a better day is on its way. They are also a support network to Bear, taking him out when he needs to get away from the sobbing ball of snot, offering an ear and a beer!

I'm slowly becoming myself again. Taking each day as it comes. Sometimes I have rubbish nights which lead to "small" days, where everything is difficult and tiring. But they are getting fewer and I can usually see them coming.

It is thanks to Bear and my wonderful support network that I am here today. And that I can smile. You are the bra of my emotions: soft, supportive, you give me shape and Bear hope, and you're a relief to get rid of at the end of the day!!

A pome by me

I thought we had a connection, 

You and I

We had met but twice, yet

In those swift exchanges

I felt something stir

I thought you were the one

That we would be us.

And you said you loved us.

You thought we were great.

You told us our warmth was perfect,

That you could see yourselves

Here, forever.

And then in a heartbreaking move,

One never anticipated:

You made an offer on another house,

And it was accepted

So now we return

Wiser perhaps,

Less naive certainly,

To the ocean of houses

On rightmove.co.uk

To await the coming of those who see

What wonders could lie in this old home.

London Bridge didn't fall down, so there's still hope.

New house is starting to reveal its hidden flaws. As the plaster comes off, so the cracks in the brickwork start to become evident. Under the carpet, underlay so old, it's mostly dust particles and under that? Cracked and uneven concrete.
The monies put aside for new windows and a new kitchen are being funnelled into the builder fund. Friends of friends of friends are being marshalled into the fold of professional air suckers and head shakers and we are spending our days off showing different bits to different chaps with clipboards.

To answer your immediate question (and I can say this with some authority as both the people I spoke to today have asked it): no it wasn't on the survey. And the follow up question? No they are not responsible.

My sister asked "What made you think this was a good idea?" And I have to admit, the same thought has strolled across my mind once or twice. But I still feel happy whenever I'm there. Even with the wallpaper and plaster everywhere. It is a happy house. And I love the location. One day it will be perfect. And I will look back on this blog and laugh. One day...

It's only a bloody miracle!

My nephew is blind. He's been blind since birth. Every doctor, every specialist, every bit of paper says so. For nearly 30 years, he has been deemed sightless. It's important that you know this, so you can appreciate the miracle I am about to unfold.
He recently went to have an employment support allowance assessment. On arrival they said "But what are you doing here: you're blind!" Assessment was done and nephew taken home (he has local guides and a friendly taxi driver).
Some point during that assessment, a miracle occurred. ATOS have found nephew to be partially sighted! Not blind at all! How could we all have been so blind! He's partially sighted! And as such not eligible for ESA. But of course they stopped the payment before he received notification of the miracle. He, foolish boy, hasn't even noticed his sight had been partially restored. It must be quite a shock to see FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
Alas tis no miracle but what we in the trade call a Cock Up. He has 28 days to appeal and the RNIB are providing legal advice. But no one can help my niece who is beside herself with financial worry now.
This is your tax pennies at work here. Paying for a private company to make erroneous judgements. Causing extra work at additional cost. To you.
So I ask you, dear reader, to share this tale with anyone you see fit, call your MP. Ask them where your money is going. And what is being done to put right these sorts of mistakes? We can only get things changed if we speak up. Together.

Sold! eBay netiquette

Now I love eBay*. I love browsing to see what bizarre things people have to sell. I love buying clothes, furniture and stuff at great prices. I love selling my unwanted clothes, furniture and stuff and trying to get a little cash rather than throwing it away. I also think its a pretty green way of disposing of unwanted kit. But I am noticing more and more eBayers not playing by the rules. Not just ebay's own regulations but the rules of being, well, PLU.

Firstly don't bid if you don't intend to buy. May sound obvious but nothing is more annoying than a message from your winning bidder stating that they "didn't really want it" or "can't afford it". Now you have to go through the whole selling rigmarole again and you might not even get the same bids. Never bid more than you can afford and, a little tip for some of my chums, never EVER bid drunk. Especially not on Ugg boots. You Know Who You Are.

Conversely, don't list if you don't intend to sell. I was delighted to have won a Poirot box set (this was before they were on every 2 hours on ITV2) for the princely sum of 99p plus P&P. I paid in full and waited. And waited. And waited. Several unanswered emails later my money was refunded but I never got to have the joy of multiple Poirots sans advertisements. If you have no intention of selling your item for less than £50, then either start your listing at that price, or put a reserve on it. Yes, it might cost you a few extra pennies in listing fees, but at least you will know that your minimum price will be reached before you sell. Which bring me on to...

No shill bidding. For those of you not in the know this is when a seller asks a chum to bid on an item in order to make the price go up. Sometimes the seller creates dummy accounts to do the same. Not only is this against eBay regulations, it's also a pretty stinky thing to do. You'd be cheesed off if you thought someone had done it to you. So don't.

Leave feedback. Both buyers and sellers can be guilty of this. eBay runs on customer feedback so it's only fair that if you have had a good, or bad, experience, you rate them. As a seller, feedback is the only way I can be certain you received the item and as a buyer, it is just good manners to rate me! It takes 30 seconds of your day and can make a world of difference to the recipient.

In short, don't do anything to others that you wouldn't like to be done to you. Which is a pretty good tenet for any occasion, don't you think?

*Other online auction sites are available, but lets face it, we all use eBay, don't we?

Can't you just pull yourself together?

I've had a mini episode this week, blessedly short but quite acute which, I suppose, is better than long and chronic. Now I'm coming out of the low, I find myself plagued with guilt and shame. How could I have allowed this to happen? Surely I could have got my shit together enough to go to work? To get through. Couldn't I, in fact, as my father used to say, pull myself together a bit?

It is extraordinarily difficult for a non sufferer to understand what a depressive episode can mean. For me, just getting out of bed is a trial, I'm always so tired. Getting dressed is nigh on impossible. The desire to wash, cook, clean, talk all gone. As is my attention span. I find I cannot concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes, if that. Coupled with feelings of worthlessness and despair and topped off with the unfortunate tendancy to cry all the time, it is not easy to do anything, let alone buck up enough to simulate normality.

I have spent days in my pyjamas, shaking with fear at the sound of the windw cleaner, dreading a knock at the door, a telephone call. Even texts and are frightening. Who is it? What do they want and what must they think of me? I have promised the Bear that I will never turn my phone off as he wants to check on me. But I do go to Do Not Disturb mode and hide notifications so tht I can psych myself up to check.

And now I'm crawling back to normality, although I still shake when sending a text to anyone but my nearest and dearest. I still feel like I've let everyone down. Could this have been prevented? Possibly. It was most likely a combination of a delayed response to something that happened at work, added into other work issues and us taking on a hugely stressful house/mortgage combo. I probably could have dealt with one, maybe even two but all three did for me. But do I avoid potentially stressful situations on the offchance my psyche might kick me in the head? If that is the suggested option I say pffftt to it. I will continue to live, to love, to be passionate about what I do and the things or people I love, to be utterly bonkers in every way. Yes I run the risk of horrible weeks like the one just gone (and it was horrible) but I have an excellent doctor and a wonderful man who take good care of me. I think I'll just try and keep the mega stresses to one or two in future.

Googling myself all day long

Recently a chum googled herself. Reading her hit results, she became distraught at what she perceived to be public information, all about her. Bits taken from Facebook, LinkedIn, 192 etc all brought together by the computerised profilers. She promptly spent several days removing herself from the Internet. She deleted profiles, removed posts and generally scrubbed her virtual self. But as we know, like elves and gay men, Internet profiles never truly die, they merely diminish and head off into the West. They are still there, in the backwaters, on download servers whose job it is to take a picture of every web page ever. Somewhere, someone has a copy of that photo you thought you had deleted forever. To quote Robin of Sherwood AND Dr Who (and what a pair), "Nothing is ever forgotten".

So many times I have had to remind people that posting on a forum is public. It isn't a chat between you and a couple of mates. It's a message to the whole bloody world (give or take). If you are not prepared for the response of WBW, then don't post. Rule of thumb: Never ever ever post anything ever that you wouldn't want your mum, boss, ex or cat to see in all its glory. Think before you drink before you post!

I use the same nickname, avatar and 'self description/quote' everywhere on the web. If you're looking for me, I'm pretty easy to find. In fact I just googled myself. 5 pages in and it's all about me me me! I'm everywhere! Which does bring up the question "Why aren't more people reading this blog?" Loads of links to Twitter and Twitter associated sites. Apparently I don't have a lot of Klout. I do have lots of piccies of my avatar, though,and an inordinate number of doggy pics.

As for my chum, she has been lured back to the world of Facebook (score one to Mr Zuckerberg) by promises of amusing statuses and hilarious cat photos. However she is using a pseudonym. Just in case.