Can't you just pull yourself together?

I've had a mini episode this week, blessedly short but quite acute which, I suppose, is better than long and chronic. Now I'm coming out of the low, I find myself plagued with guilt and shame. How could I have allowed this to happen? Surely I could have got my shit together enough to go to work? To get through. Couldn't I, in fact, as my father used to say, pull myself together a bit?

It is extraordinarily difficult for a non sufferer to understand what a depressive episode can mean. For me, just getting out of bed is a trial, I'm always so tired. Getting dressed is nigh on impossible. The desire to wash, cook, clean, talk all gone. As is my attention span. I find I cannot concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes, if that. Coupled with feelings of worthlessness and despair and topped off with the unfortunate tendancy to cry all the time, it is not easy to do anything, let alone buck up enough to simulate normality.

I have spent days in my pyjamas, shaking with fear at the sound of the windw cleaner, dreading a knock at the door, a telephone call. Even texts and are frightening. Who is it? What do they want and what must they think of me? I have promised the Bear that I will never turn my phone off as he wants to check on me. But I do go to Do Not Disturb mode and hide notifications so tht I can psych myself up to check.

And now I'm crawling back to normality, although I still shake when sending a text to anyone but my nearest and dearest. I still feel like I've let everyone down. Could this have been prevented? Possibly. It was most likely a combination of a delayed response to something that happened at work, added into other work issues and us taking on a hugely stressful house/mortgage combo. I probably could have dealt with one, maybe even two but all three did for me. But do I avoid potentially stressful situations on the offchance my psyche might kick me in the head? If that is the suggested option I say pffftt to it. I will continue to live, to love, to be passionate about what I do and the things or people I love, to be utterly bonkers in every way. Yes I run the risk of horrible weeks like the one just gone (and it was horrible) but I have an excellent doctor and a wonderful man who take good care of me. I think I'll just try and keep the mega stresses to one or two in future.