World Mental Health Day 2020

It kinda feels like we should have had several mental health days this year, 2020 being the dark year of doom! This year we need to band together and look after each other more so than ever before.

My employer takes the mental health of its workers very seriously and we had a terrific afternoon conference with speakers both from our own and from external. And yours truly was one of said speakers. The theme was Mental Health and Lockdown. And this is what I said. Please forgive spelling and grammar as I’m sure you will.

I was diagnosed in my teens with bipolar disorder or manic depression as it was called then. It wasn’t a surprise. I’d had periods of hyperactivity and low mood and I was genetically inclined towards getting it. I was in fact third generation, my aunt and grandmother also being bipolar

However, it wasn’t until 2007 that I began to be medicated. Prior to that I had been prescribed anti-depressants for the dips but my highs were hypomanic rather than full on mania meaningthat while I was super buzzed, I was able to channel it into my work. My partner called it “getting lost in the matrix” I was working on my masters at the time and would often spend days programming and then not have a clue how I’d managed to achieve the results. Poor decision making is a textbook symptom, either because you assume you’re invincible or you just don’t care about consequences. So there are often apologies following a high episode, and attempts to reconnect after withdrawing dice to a low. This started to scare me a bit as I began to feel excluded from my friends. Cue the famous phone call “are you coming to the pub or are you being boring?”

 

As these things do, my episodes got worse. I would have irrational ideas about adventures; buying a house in and moving to Bulgaria, starting a business, buying several houses in the UK. Then, in 2007 I crashed big time. My partner came with me to the doctor and encouraged me to tell him everything. The highs and the lows as well as my family history. The result was a mood stabiliser combined with an antidepressant.

It took a few goes around the medication merry go round to find the cocktail that worked for me but, since then I have taken the same combination with a few small changes in quantity over the years.

At that time, I decided that children weren’t going to be on the cards. I was terrified of being a manic parent or saying to my child “mummy can’t play with you today”. Having heard what my mother and aunt went through with my grandmother, I knew it wouldn’t be fair. I am a fabulous aunt though.

There are side effects and currently I have the odd hand tremor, I get tired more easily, I have put on weight and I have fabulous acne that I missed out on completely as a teenager. I am also an utter lightweight when it comes to drinking alcohol, so much so that I have practically given it up as a bad job!

I have pondered changing the meds, but these ones work and I would need several months to experiment and get used to new ones. Right now I don’t think it’s worth it.

 

Because I get so tired, I’ve had to learn what I need in my life in order to remain balanced.

I know in myself when my moods or behaviours are becoming unstable and I usually react by removing myself from the situation and taking a break. In the past I was ashamed - uncomfortable about what I needed, preferring instead to have “a cold”, “24 hour bug” “stomach problems” etc.

I was brought up to “get over it” – My father’s response to me being given anti-depressants was “Can’t you just pull yourself together”? Which I think is a common reaction to mental health problems. But as someone who was unable to get up washed and dressed for three months I can tell you that every single person with a mental health condition wishes it was that easy. 

We don’t want to be singled out for being “crazy” or “sickly”.

About 7-8 years ago I began to do a lot more reading around Bipolar and of course Stephen Fry was also becoming very vocal at that time. I started to feel more comfortable in myself and I realised I was doing myself a disservice and so I came “out” and I began to be open and honest about my condition. It is part of me, like some of you are asthmatic or diabetic.

And there are positive sides as well as the more well-known negatives. Creativity, empathy and a passion for process and plans are often more prevalent in people with Bipolar Disorder and who can argue that they are bad things?

 

I am lucky to have supportive managers who make it easy for me to take a break when necessary, to reboot and reset myself. I’m able to say “I need a break” and no one bats an eye! When I told them I was doing his call, my line manager said “Well done – you are brave” and my senior manager sent me an email saying “thanks for being comfortable to share your story” Their support means the world so thank you both.

 

I am now open about my mental health to friends, family and my work colleagues. I use social media to discuss mental health in general and my condition in particular, I have a blog where I share my experiences and pondering and I’m an active member of a local mental health group. 

By wearing my condition on my sleeve, I can support other colleagues including those not in my immediate team. A colleague who had had a less than supportive response from their line manager, was able to talk to me freely and hopefully I’ve been able to make them feel less alone, whilst maybe even helping to educate the line manager.

 

Lockdown brought its own set of concerns. When under stress, I can misread situations and not respond in what’s considered an acceptable manner. I might not have the usual filters when communicating with someone or I may not pick up on nuance. One of the first things to go is my filter followed by the arrival of paranoia. A terrific combination for anyone trying to be professional. My team know this about me so are able to send me messages to help me bring myself back on track.

 

This can of course be exacerbated by meetings taking place over Teams! I am a routine led person, someone who is a BIG fan of process and plans and I don’t react well to change. And I do not like surprises. In fact my sm walked over to me when I was concentrating just to say hi in the good old days when I was in the office. My scream could be heard across the building. 

 

Throughout Lockdown we have made every effort to have a Teams call at least once a day to give everyone the opportunity to talk if they wanted to. We also do a daily temperature check (not for Covid!) so that the team can assess their mood with a score of between 1 and 10. It’s been a way of us bonding together over a lower score or celebrating a high score. Knowing the team were all looking out for each other we were able to make it work using teams and email as well as having a “non work” what’sapp group – A place to let off steam safely.

Talking with my team about my condition and associated issues gave them the courage to share their own anxieties or struggles and it’s made us stronger as a team. By having an open conversation, we have learned things about each other that make us better able to understand each-other and have improved our working relationship. For me, it’s meant that they are able to nudge me if they notice a change or unusual behaviour from me, meaning I have a true support network at work as well as at home.

 

I wanted to join this call as promoting mental health is so important to me and I hope that sessions like this will spark communication and encourage people to feel like they can talk about mental health and ask questions. I am always happy to answer any questions or discuss any concerns you might have. It’s only by sharing, like we are doing today, that we can overcome the stigma of mental health

The cry closet

Well here we are again! You may have noticed a severe lack of blogs lately. That’s because I’ve been trying my hand at other kinds of writing. Fanfic mostly but also my own fiction <ooh>. But from time to time a blog is needed. Like now.
Yesterday was not a good day. It was the ultimate bad day at the end of a bad coupla weeks. Work was stressful. As it often is. But my meds weren’t doing their job which meant that

1. My other meds were being flushed through too quickly meaning I was what you could call totes emote
2. My body was dehydrated meaning I was getting headaches and not sleeping

And that led to migraines. Neat how it all ties together right?

Now whilst there may have been mitigating circumstances (see above), that did not excuse me losing my temper with a colleague (or him losing his temper with me). There was a little shouting and then some hugging. But I knew I had stepped out of bounds. And this upsets me. And of course as mentioned, I am totes emote, and so was feeling sad and vulnerable.
As all good humans do, I decided to go to the ladies loo for a wee and a snuffle. I was snuffling away in my cubicle when I heard the door open, causing me to try and stem my snuffle. Then I heard the snuffle of another. There were two of us crying in the loo, for heaven’s sake. I did the only mature thing and exited the cubicle to come red eye to red eye with a colleague from another team. We exchanged glances, ageeed the loo wasn’t the best place to hide as “people keep using it as a bathroom!” and went our separate ways. 
I wasn’t quite ready to rejoin my team so I sat on the stairs for a bit out of the way until I had regained my poise.

Why am I writing this? Well firstly I am still feeling sad and vulnerable and blogging helps me deal with that. But the even reminded me of an article I read about the University of Utah adding a crying closet to their library.
Cry closet!

And I wondered if workplaces should maybe have a cry closet too. A small space for colleagues to go and have a 10 minute snuffle, when it all gets too much.
The one in Uni Utah (UofU?) has soft toys for a snuggle and is “a safe place for stressed out students”. I would like one of them.

Coming out of the frog box

I went back to work today after 3 1/2 months off with a major depressive episode. As part of my rehabilitation, I have had meetings with my manager and a rep from Human Resources. During these meetings I told them all about bipolar disorder, ibs and hypothyroidism, gave them documents printed from MIND and even showed them my dosset box to illustrate what it's like living with a mental illness. They were rather shocked at the pile of pills, which amused me no end! As I say, "I take all these just to appear normal!"

Rather sweetly, I thought, my manager referred to my openness in his summary letter, thanking me and saying that he really appreciated my willingness to discuss my illness.

I have always been open about my conditions. It is what makes me, me and I am not ashamed of it. I have always known there was something 'wrong' with me, so to have the diagnosis and validation was more of a relief!

When I was a teenager, my parents would say I was "manic depressive" and "just like your aunt / grandmother". But of course in the early 80s there was no Internet to look things up and mental health wasn't discussed. My father's distrust of psychiatrists meant that I never saw a doctor. Later on I attempted to self medicate as many others do. I was treated for my depressive episodes with anti depressants, but my manic episodes were never 'reported' since I was having too much fun! It wasn't until Stephen Fry 'came out' as bipolar that I started to investigate the illness and found myself resonating with the description. Then, some 7 years ago now, I finally plucked up the courage to tell my doctor about the ups and downs. And the rest, as they say, is history. 

There is no shame in having a mental quirk. Its part if what makes you an individual. And whilst it may debilitate you from time to time, it also is responsible for your openness to new ideas, your empathy and creativity. And that's pretty cool. How can we expect people not up be afraid or confused by our behaviour, if we are not willing to discuss it? If we want to be accepted, don't we need to accept ourselves?

A good support network is like a good bra...

It's been a while, I know, poem notwithstanding. I have been pretty poorly having had a major depressive episode that I am only just now coming out of (3 months later). Throughout this time I have been totally reliant on my husband-carer and my support network, and they have been terrific. The doc did his bit, but as this episode has a very definite cause, there wasn't much he could do, apart from give me the necessary certificates.

Having a support network is a vital part of crawling out of a bipolar hole. From the friend who said "Come for dinner. You don't even have to stay and chat, just come and eat." To the chum who texted me all through the day to make sure I was awake alive and aware. From all my onine chums, making me laugh and feel like i belong, to the chum who kept me up to date with what was going on at work and sent me such lovely messages. These are the people who help you to see a better day is on its way. They are also a support network to Bear, taking him out when he needs to get away from the sobbing ball of snot, offering an ear and a beer!

I'm slowly becoming myself again. Taking each day as it comes. Sometimes I have rubbish nights which lead to "small" days, where everything is difficult and tiring. But they are getting fewer and I can usually see them coming.

It is thanks to Bear and my wonderful support network that I am here today. And that I can smile. You are the bra of my emotions: soft, supportive, you give me shape and Bear hope, and you're a relief to get rid of at the end of the day!!

Is it me?

Having a mental health condition can make your relationships with others a bit strained at times. You're convinced everyone is behaving "strangely" or they are all being "mean" to you. There might be a part of you that knows that this is statistically unlikely and it is far more likely that it is you who are being strange or paranoid. The problem is that that part tends to be very small and hides whenever an episode is ongoing, replaced by the louder voices declaring they "all hate you" and goading you to "get them before they get you".
Then, sometime later, when someone questions you about that fateful day, you are so ashamed by your behaviour but you can't explain it. Saying things like "I believed you were all conspiring together to bully me into leaving" does not a happy workplace make, no matter how understanding your colleagues.