I would date if I could find someone to date

I am back on the market. The dating market that is. And because I am a busy independent woman in her forties, this entails signing up again for the introduction websites. Time to find a fairly decent pic or two and write a witty, yet possibly sexy without being too outre, sales pitch for the package that is your humble author. Now some sites like chapter and verse, inside leg measurement, the last thing you ate, what and who you like and your intentions, whereas others are only concerned with where you are and a brief paragraph to show your fun carefree side. 

Here's mine

Recently separated, I find myself suddenly "out there" with no idea where there is or what I'm doing. I work hard and I spend much of my spare time with my little Jack Russell. I love going the theatre especially Shakespeare, Noel Coward and Oscar Wilde. I really enjoy stand up comedy in the vein of Dave Gorman, Chris Addison and Russell Howard.

Big fan of Tom Lehrer, cartoons, Radio 4, Wittertainment, Only Connect, Mock the Week, Blackadder, The Big Bang Theory, Discworld and Douglas Adams. I have a favourite artist (Chagall) and a favourite Womble (Tobermory). I think Mystery Incorporated was the best Scooby Doo incarnation and Gravity Falls looks like a pretty cool place to live. I’ve read Dracula and Twilight and I think they both have good bits and... less good bits.

I don't like reality shows or soaps apart from my one guilty pleasure - Strictly. I do like a cryptic crossword (although I'm not always very good at them), sudoku or quiz and I can happily chat for hours on the arts, history or what hilarious thing my dog did today ;)
I have a tendency to talk in quotes and lyrics and my pop culture references are rather stuck in the 1980s! An enthusiastic tea drinker and mediocre tea maker.

So if you like pina coladas and long walks in the rain, if you know why the number 42 is important and the reason one might spend the year dead, if you’ve ever gone totally Bursar, or wished a friend a Happy Hogswatch, if you know how to answer the question “How do you get on the internet” and you worship at the Church of Wittertainment then I might just be the one for you. Let’s get together and plan our escape..



I was quite impressed with it, but it didn't seem to get me much interest :( So I shortened it...

Forty something Southern girl up North. Love to laugh. I like stuff. Also things. Things like films, comedy, radio 4, sci fi/fantasy, good food, good wine, walking the dog, pubs with open fires, good conversation, walking with the dog to a pub with an open fire to eat good food and drink good wine.


Some of them want you to list your perfect partner.....

Someone who can talk about Phineas & Ferb, and also the role of Livia in the development of the Roman Empire and whether I Claudius is more fantasy than fact. I want someone who will go to the cinema to see the latest Pixar film and yet is happy to go to a dark zone for a holiday to use the telescope. I want someone who will sing a duet with me at Karaoke and doesn't need to be bladdered to do so and watches Only Connect, not just because they fancy Victoria Coren. I'd like it if they enjoyed Pratchett, Gaiman and Adams and I'd like them to make me laugh.

Oh and if they could look okish without their shirt and they liked the look of me without my shirt then that would be a win.

Should have them flocking, no? No.

I joined a fairly new site, Bumble. Its quite trendy I think. The lady has to message first <ooh>. No, I don't know how that works in same sex couples. Its a bit Tindery in that you swipe left or right depending on your opinion and its based on pics and location. Possibly because it's new, it seems to have limited subscribers which means I often get the post "Looks like you've run out of people". Oh great. I have exhausted the dating prospects of the north west already. 

My fear is that I will end up doing a Julia. A Julia? You may well ask. Allow me to elucidate. 

Sat on a bus in front of two elderly ladies on their way to lunch at Kendals department store. One was lamenting how Holly (grand daughter perhaps) had left her partner and was now sharing an apartment with 2 other girls in Kensington. Her chum tried to console her but to no avail. "I think she's going to do a Julia." she wailed.
The chum replied, shocked "Surely not! How old is Holly?" "34" was the reply. "There you go then"

Julia, it seems, is 42, single and has a cat and the general opinion is that she is never going to find a chap and apparently we must all despair.

For the record, I raise my glass to Julia and I hope she is bloody happy!

PS If during this blog, you suddenly found yourself unaccountably singing "Ev'rybody Wants to be a Cat", then you may have 10 points and go to the top of the class. 

Ad Break

Have you ever been sitting in your chair, in front of the telly and you get up for a moment to find the remote control and when you return, a small creature is curled up in your spot? Or got up out of bed in the middle of the night to go for a wee and as you get back into bed, you find someone or something nestled in the bed? Then you may have been a victim of Warm Spot Thievery or WaST

 

WaST is usually perpetrated by smaller domesticated animals who seize the opportunity to snuggle into a spot that has been warmed by a human body. The perpetrator or WaSP will wait patiently for you to vacate a sofa, bed or chair before nipping in, curling up and looking for all the world like they have always been there. You may even doubt that you were in fact sat there and look around to see if you were in fact sat somewhere else. Meanwhile the WaSP will stick their nose into their bottom, flatten their ears and ignore any cajoling you might try.

 

WaST victims are now fighting back with the advent of support groups where you can discuss your WaST attacks with other victims and receive sympathy, share ousting techniques and generally support one another over a cup of tea, safe in the knowledge that if you reach for a biscuit, no one will steal your seat.

 

Warm Spot Thievery can no longer hide in the shadows. It is out there. It could be happening to someone you know right now. Lets bring an end to this criminal activity.

 

Say it with me: My spot is my spot even if I do get up for a few minutes.

 

 

Sponsored by Warm Spot Safety Council

 

I’ve been to paradise. And now...

In all my adult life I have never been alone. I've gone from chap to chap in a move known to my father as "retreating to previously prepared positions". Even now though I live without human interference company, I have my little beastie around to talk to and to snuggle. Until last week...

I’ve just had yet another birthday. As usual I took the week off work as I usually like to go away for a few days. Unfortunately the scientist missed my subtle hints of “I want to go away with you for my birthday” and wasn’t able to get the time off. The beast was already booked on her holidays so suddenly here I was to be all alone at home. A little nervous at first, I was lucky to have friends rallying round to take me out and the scientist did manage 1 day to spend with me, but I spent my actual birthday all alone.

It was amazing. I got up when I wanted to and opened my cards. Then I took the bus to the Trafford Centre which is not so hellish when you are chilled and not trying to do anything specific. Did some shopping, had brunch, pottered. Then home to make myself a birthday cherry bakewell cocktail and a lamb and home grown lettuce sandwich. A little snooze before my piece de birthday resistance. I had a ticket to see A Muppet Christmas Carol on the big screen. Best Christmas film and I'd never seen it at the cinema. Now here it was on my birthday. 

Got there too early of course so I had a treaty hot chocolate with whipped cream to while away the time. Then I picked all MY favourites for the pick and mix and I got a blue AND red ice blast to boot. I had the best seat. just behind the walkway so plenty of leg room and great view. Sang along, laughed, cried, marvelled at the people saying they had never seen it before (where have you been) and then toddled home to snuggle down in my bed. Alone. No sharing the covers. No compromise. Just me.

I discovered something this week - I'm OK on my own. I like my own company. I have fun with me. My week was interspersed with lovely treats from friends and loved ones and then there were days when it was just me. Best week ever.

The beast is back now - She had a fantastic week too judging by the pics but I'm glad to have her home. Time to pack up and send the Christmas gifts. Wishing you all the most joyous of times xx

Teeny tiny buckets

Gosh it’s been months hasn’t it? I can only apologise! 

Today I’ve been thinking about bucket lists. Lots of us have one. And we have all kinds of things on them. 

See the Northern Lights

Swim with wild dolphins

Go to Bali and stay in an eco resort

Etc etc

By the way these aren’t mine. These are ones Other People have mentioned. But they look very bucket listy don’t they. They fulfil the bucket list criteria:

• They are big
• They are expensive
• They are far away
• They probably aren’t achievable. 

But why should our hopes and dreams be so huge and unobtainable? Why not have a mini bucket list as well? Full of all those little things you would love to do or to have or to go. Things or places that you may just be able to do. And then you can celebrate that you've crossed something off your bucket list. You’ll feel good, and maybe, people will think you’re cool. Which is after all a bit difficult now none of us smoke!

To start you off here are some of my little buckets

1. To go to Bath
2. To go to Whitby
3. To own a Jo Malone perfume ✅ 
4. To go to a day spa ✅ 
5. To find a comfortable bra (I appreciate this is a big one)
6. To see Shakespeare in Stratford ✅ 
7. To own a globe bar ✅ 

You can see I’ve done quite a few on this list already. And for the record Jo Malone perfume is no better than the Body Shop but ten times more expensive. It does come in more glamorous packaging if that helps...

The globe bar is exactly as cool as I thought it would be. Even cooler at times. And a fat girl IS welcome in a spa. Hurrah

If anyone can recommend an underwired bra that goes up to H cup, doesn’t itch or poke you in your fleshy bits but costs less than £30, you know where to find me!

What's the best feeling in all the world,

Every day, as soon as I realise I'm "done for the day", I go upstairs and change my clothes. Off come the jeans/trousers, top and bra and I pop on a supportive crop top, leggings and what I believe the Americans may call a sloppy joe but I call a long sleeved t shirt that's too big for me. And.... relax. That moment when the last hook clicks and the underwires fall away to release my caged boobies... That is heaven.

And it's not just me - Head over to any social media spot and you'll find the acroynm BRT (Bra Removal Time) being banded about by people like comedienne Sarah Milican and lauded by women everywhere.

What is it about bras that make them so unbelievably uncomfortable? It doesn't matter what the brand, where they're from or how much they are. Even if you take an hour or two out of your day to go and get the ladies measured properly and expertly stuffed into those satin cups, by the end of the day, something is pinching or scratching or sticking in to your soft fleshy parts. And you have paid upwards of £30 for the privilege. 

For those of you thinking "why doesn't she just go bra-less then? That is not an option. Being of A Certain Age, and of a Certain Weight with, like the fallen Madonna, the "Big Boobies", I do require some support lest the ladies take the eye out of a colleague. I am in fact in the "can't wear a buttoned shirt" brigade that so many of us find ourselves in. So off I pop back to lovely Bravissimo to hand over my credit card  whilst a young lady literally stuffs me into something that could probably be used to take on Goliath.

And for those of us in the Over DD bucket, buying cute sexy things isn't really on unless your credit card is made of sterner stuff than mine! That pretty flowery lacy set? Nope. Not for the likes of us. We have huge satin numbers, in black nude and white with the occasional teal and purple for WILD times. Got a cute strappy top? Tough - you're also sporting inch wide straps with metal sizing thingummy. And never ever suggest to an H cup that she might like something strapless!

So, to return to the title of this thread, I have an acquaintance who is in the unusual position, being a male to female transition, of knowing both what taking your bra off and what scratching your balls feels like. And I have it on good authority that taking your bra off wins. So there you have it. Empirical evidence. Taking your bra off at the end of the day is officially the best feeling in the world.

Strolling players

There's something terribly romantic about the touring theatre troupe. A small band of actors supporting each other through thick and thin, singing songs on their way from this town to that. Setting up their theatre wherever there's an audience. Of course this is my idealised dream of a life on the road. The reality is, I'm assured and now through the window of Instagram we can view, more Travelodge and trucks than gypsy caravans and summer evenings catching fish as the sun goes down.

Nevertheless there is something rather special about an outdoors production. We are lucky in Manchester to both play host to such troupes as Heartbreak Productions and also have our own Manchester Open Air Theatre.

Last summer was a particularly fine set of performances. A Druidic Tempest kicked off the season in Didsbury with prosecco and picnics a plenty. And a sneaky Midsummer Nights Dream launched MOAT in Chorlton where bright young things toasted each other with fizz in pint glasses and my pup was made very welcome even if she didn't become the dog belonging to the man in the moon!

I then flew solo at Murder on the Terrace, which is on the menu for this year and well worth a punt. A proper British farce with audience participation. Heartbreak actors mill in character with the audience before the performance and during the interval making everyone feel part of the show. They're not allowed a glass of prosecco whilst on duty by the way. We did offer. 

Finally there was The Importance of Being Earnest. One of my favourites and a picnic with afternoon tea seemed appropriate. Elderflower cordial and delicious seed cake. It had been raining rather heavily leading to the marvellous impromptu line "Your garden is awfully soggy John" as the chaps take a "turn around the garden".

This year Saga and I shall watch the murderous Macbeth and a new version of Importance with MOAT And the ladies shall be drinking prosecco at Northanger Abbey later in the season. 

These theatre companies survive on audience income. And the actors thrive with audience involvement and enthusiasm. Without us, they will fade away and that would be a real loss. Tickets are not expensive, there are often offers or groupons out there, and they do loads of  family productions. So grab a blanket, a picnic (prosecco is optional) and check them out. 

Heartbreak Productions

Manchester Open Air Theatre

Brogues - May have a slight Madonnaesque vibe

Kitten, louis, platform heel

A ballet shoe is my ideal

There's no chance that I can lose

When I'm stood in comfy shoes

Doctors Scholl and Marten know

A flat soled shoe is how to go

They have style, they have clout

Clarks have shoes to shout about

Pumps and brogues and converse too

Kristen Stewart, we love you

Annie Hall is now in vogue

Diane Keaton wears good brogue

Susan Calman, Sandy too.  

Don't need that extra inch or two

Despite not reaching 5 foot 4

They've shown those high heels to the door

Ladies listen to my prayer

Throw those platforms over there

Emma Thompson made the call

Chucked her shoes into the stalls

Bleeding heels and blistered toes

There's nothing cool about tortured soles

Dance the night away in pumps

Then walk home with a skip and jump

Don't just stand there

Let's get to it

Strike a pose there's nothing to it

Brogues