Sweet dreams are made of these

I am very busy in my sleep. I have very realistic dreams which seem to go on for hours. I know this because I remember most of my dreams. Like a film you were sort of watching while playing around on your phone. 

My dreams fall into 3 broad categories. 

• The Weird Dream
• The Adventure Dream
• The Anxiety Dream

The Weird Dream

These usually involve chums and colleagues in odd situations such as 8 or 9 of us all living together in one room (bunk beds) and trying to hide something under one of the beds from one of my colleagues. 

Or being forced to cart a load of computers up a hill so a chum could continue working whilst taking part in a work picnic. 

All seem quite normal whilst mid dream. It’s only on waking up that I go “who with the what now?”

The Adventure Dream

I often have dreams involving vampires and zombies and werewolves (oh my!), a product of my horror fandom I’m sure. Except these are never nightmares. Instead I am usually in the role of “The Hero” working with other heroic types to fight the onslaught of the monsters - Hurrah! There's quite a lot of running, chasing and hiding but I never feel terrified when in the midst of these dreams. No. Terror is reserved for...

The Anxiety Dream

There are 2 sub categories of Anxiety Dream: The "I can't keep us safe" dream and the "I am a failure" dream

The I can't keep us safe usually involves the "Bad Man" (who is never a traditional monster and always a human!) and me and unknown others are hiding from him. But the door doesn't fit in the frame anymore or the lock doesn't work or we are stuck in a tiny cupboard with no way out and he is already in the room. And then I wake up crying and sweating and not wanting to go back to sleep

I am a failure used to be fairly standard - I am doing exams again and I have no idea what the paper says because I cant read it or I don't understand any of it. Recently however, there has been a new twist.

The dream is always the same. I have failed at Maths and Physics and now the only option to me is Embroidery. Obviously. But I'm no good at it and no one will help me because I ought to know stuff but I don't. And the first assignment is to choose threads to match your hair and I can't even do that! And the lectures always clash with something else, my job or Saga. So I ask a friend to take Saga to daycare for me but he can't/won't so I have to take her to class which means I have to sit at the back and I can't hear the lecturer. I try to go and talk with the lecturer afterwards but she isn't in the Maths or Physics departments (surprise!)so I cant find her!

I know value academic achievement too much - It is obviously how I value myself along with my role in the workplace. Which of course I don't currently have. 

And Saga is a constraint- In that I can't travel too much or be away for too long. So I understand the dream. Not entirely sure why embroidery but a friend suggested it was a desire to neatly sew up life and fear I'll fall short. Which sounds eminently plausible. 

But on balance, I think I would prefer the vampires and zombies and werewolves back please.

If I’m not me, who am I?

My very existence has been rocked this weekend as I have lost my job. That said, it almost definitely isn’t down the back of the sofa – I fear it has gone for good. I have been made redundant. I’m being let go, my life's going in a different direction, my body's part of a permanent outplacement, I’m resting, I’m in between roles... pick your favourite. 

I know this happens every day and I think many people feel this existential dread when it does – our self worth is so tied up in what we do and where we do it, how much money we make, what’s our job our level, that to suddenly lose that definition of ourselves can be devastating. As the days creep up I find myself zooming along on a rollercoaster of feelings. Joy that its Christmas and I get to see my wonderful family, fear that I haven’t found another role yet, anger that after 5 years of being “indispensable” I am suddenly very dispensable, love of my colleagues, many of whom are yer actual friends who are all being so supportive even if they are going through the same ghastliness themselves, terrible sadness at not working with those people anymore. And round we go again.

I suspect that post Xmas there will be a Period of Adjustment which may very well include sitting in my pants watching cartoons and eating crisps. But I need to set a time limit on that sort of self pity because it is all too easy to slip down the slide into depression and apathy and that way madness lies! And so I am going to Make A Plan.

My solution will be the use of a pair of goal and project books one which is lot mindfulness and one that helps you design and achieve goals, and an alarm clock.

To The Plan
First thing is Not Lying In Bed All Day. Hence the alarm. I have a tendency to sleep when low so the key will be to get up, shower and get ready for the day, even if that is just doing a few small tasks. Luckily I have The Beast. Saga will need feeding walking and looking after which will give the day structure. 

So I plan to set my self a minimum number of roles or contacts to find and apply for or network with – might be weekly, might be daily, I’ll see how it goes.

It has occurred to me that this would also be a perfect time to also start thinking about my lethargy and lack of exercise/poor diet. After all once I have completed my job app tasks I have the rest of the day free.

I will have to put in a reward system – Maybe some extra special treats. This ass needs more than a stick to make it go! Lots of lovely little carrots. 

Now that I have shared my plan with you, hopefully my desire not to lose face will spur me on through 2019!

See you on the other side!