I changed my internet provider the other day. Stay with me, we’ll get there I promise. As part of the nefarious deal with the mystical connector of knowledge, I was to receive a gift card good for use in many online retailers. Très exciting, no?
Except it didn’t arrive. I waited, sort of patiently but nada. I rummage through the help files and see that it suggests trolling the junk mail. And that where i see them.
There are several emails. Addressed to me. But they all have the same gist. Bad person hacker has my password. Mx [That’s the gender neutral title doncherknow. Not entirely certain of the pronunciation. ‘Mix’? ‘Mux’?] Hacker shows me said password to indicate veracity. This is followed by a Black Mirror style declaration that they have videos of me watching porn. But they don’t say that out loud. It is inferred, using the fabulous phrase “if you know what I mean”. Mx Hacker wants hard Bitcoin before they send the video to ten of my contacts. Just ten, presumably so they can come back and try again.
Now obviously this is a scam. But it did get me thinking about Black Mirror, Social Media and Vaccinations. Hear me out. It’s all connected
There are people losing their knickers about the new COVID vaccination. They believe that someone, Bill Gates or The Faceless Government or similar plans to add a teeny tiny chip to monitor you and your movements. I have bad news for people. This already exists. And you chose to bring it into your home and you probably take it everywhere you go. Your phone/tablet/Alexa type thing. We’ve all experienced that phenomenon, where we say to our flatmate “did you see that navy evening bag on sale in John Lewis?” And the next day Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are all full of adverts for navy evening bags from China. Trust me, someone knows where you are and what you’re doing all the time!
In my head I see Alexa, Siri and Cortana out having a few drinks and swapping info when the lads come in, Facebook crowing about its latest acquisition, Twitter throwing side eye at everyone and Snapchat being silly and sticking their tongue out at anyone who looks in ther direction.
But, make no mistake, these guys are sharing every scrap they’ve ever heard, every click you’ve logged, everything. If you did a quiz on FB to find out how many babies you’ll have, you can bet Instagram will be showing you cot and layout accounts the next day.
Does it matter? Well that depends on your point of view. I have accepted it as the natural order of things and that’s also why I always say please and thank you to Alexa. Come the takeover when we’re all put to work in the triremes, then I’d rather be on the top deck, in the open air rather than the bottom where you’re.... not.
Similarly the outcry that turns up every so often insisting that Facebook or Instagram or whoever is changing its rules so it can pilfer your snaps unless you post a very specific message on your wall, has led me to craft this...:
In response to new Facebook guidelines, I hereby declare that I have no idea what's mine and what's not. I have resigned myself to the probable fact that Mark Zuckerberg and his cronies can basically do whatever they want with my identity, my photos and my life, should they so wish. I don't know how this works. I've never read the terms and conditions to anything to which I've agreed. I could have agreed to give Mr Zuckerberg my first born son and not know it. Although he will be waiting a long time.
Yes, I'm sure I should be more aware and better informed, but frankly I don't think my life is interesting enough to be of any value to someone who makes more money in an hour than I do in a year.
So you know what. Knock yourself out Facebook. And if pictures of my dog float your boat, then I for one won't argue.
And so, what’s the point of all this? Well I guess, my advice is be nice to your AI, don’t get too excitable by mass postings threatening take overs from reclusive millionaires and if you get an email alleging to be an email from me, probably best you don’t watch it, yeah?
