All by myself… I’m happier. All by myself

So I’ve been cruising the dating apps for a while with no success whatsoever. That’s not to say people aren’t swiping. They are. I’m just not into it. Meanwhile Saga and I have been hanging out with chums, going out for coffee and even taking a short break. Just me and her. And it has been fabulous 

Then last week I had an epiphany. A man approached me in the park. Around my age. Not bad looking. Socks and sandals but not a deal breaker. Started chatting about films, food etc and asking questions and I responded.  And then he asked about lockdown. I waxed lyrical about how we had loved it. Bring at home and not seeing people. And then he said it.

“But haven’t you missed cuddling up to netflix?” And my whole body froze. I almost physically recoiled. 

“No. No. Definitely not. No.” I stammered. 

Later that night I was pondering my reaction when it hit me. I don’t want anyone hanging around in my life, sitting on my sofa, eating my crisps. I work hard and I’m happy with my situation. I certainly don’t want to “settle” with someone on Tinder.  I’m not ready to snuggle up to anyone right now. It’s hot and I wouldn’t like it. 

As soon as I said this, it felt like a weight had lifted. I promptly cancelled all my subs and ended up laughing in my living room because I was so happy. 

That’s not to say I will avoid all company. If the right one drops in for a night or a year I will welcome them, I’m just not gonna go looking for them. 

Should anyone turn up, they will need to pass the ultimate test. Saga sleeps with me. You wanna also sleep with me, you sleep with her. She kicks. 

But I don’t wanna go

Right now I seem to be riddled with ailments. On top of the usual bipolar, anxiety, bile salt malabsorption shenanigans, I can also detect tiredness, the shakes and migraines. It’s the migraines that are the most debilitating, though and even with medication, they knock me out proper. I don’t know the root cause here, could be stress, or tiredness…. Whatever.

The upshot of this is that I am even more rubbish at the going out lark than usual. I mean I’m often in bed by 8:30 which doesn’t align to a night on the town so I’m not great at the old drinking/after work. As a colleague used to say “Kat is fun and exciting all day. You can’t expect evenings as well.” I am very much a daylight belle!

Lockdown was a dream come true for me. I could take Saga out for walks in empty parks and spend my evenings curled up on the sofa with occasional Zoom sessions. Not only did I not have to interact, it was applauded. For once I was ahead of the game. But all too soon it was over. And people wanted to get together. In public. In the evening. 

Now on a good day, it can take me a bit of a run up to get to a night out. However, even things I do want to attend have been going by the wayside lately due to the aforementioned exhaustion and headaches. 

l probably have the reputation of being a bit of a flake with people not in the mental health / invisible illness club and if I’m honest more than likely with my fellow club members too. With really good friends, I could probably be honest and say “unlikely, but thanks for the invite.” But I feel so stupid and guilty, so I usually say yes and then inevitably cancel at the last minute. It doesn’t help that a lot of my ailments are stress related and going out out is very stress inducing.

My best friend is like me and will often send me messages like “Hey let’s cancel plans sometime soon.” It’s nice to know you’re not alone and you are loved, even if you are not a party animal. I saw a TikTok which had a man saying “I want to be invited, but I’m not going” and never has a teeny weeny video hit home so well. 

It’s all we want. Just to be invited and for you not to get angry or upset if we don’t show.

Addendum: I’ve just declined autumn drinking session with chums. No reason given. I’ll let you know how it pans out.

Saga Puppywulff gets territorial

Most of the time Saga is a dream to take out. She curls up on a chair or her blanket or my lap and just snoozes. So you do get a little complacent. Same when we’re off for a stroll.  Mostly Saga isn’t interested in other dogs. She just wants to find a really good stick and maybe catch a squirrel  or two. 

I had popped into a well known tax avoiding coffee chain, purchased my Italian sized, non coffee, non fat milky drink and settled down in a chair. Saga was snuggled on my lap and we were very relaxed. 

Out of the blue I felt her body tense. She was straining on the lead and growling loudly. In her eye line was a large squat pug. Who was just standing and staring. Like pugs do. I like to think the conversation went a little something like this

Saga: You there! Yes you! You! Doggy! Go Away! Don't you come near my mummy! I don't think I like you! No, I don’t like you. I don't like you at all

Me: Shush <holds mouth>

Pug: _____

Saga: Yeah? Yeah? Come over here and say that! Well don't cos I don't want you near my mummy. She's my mummy you hear? In your face you... you... dog! Go away! <Note: This should be stronger but I am loathe to make my baby a potty mouth>

Me: Saga, he’s not doing anything just ignore him

Pug: _____

People at next table: Aw bless. Look at that dog. They are really cross. That's so funny <giggle>

Saga: You bet I’m cross. I hate you I hate you I hate you

<Pug and owner leave>

Saga: That’s right you’d better go. I can still smell you you little rat fink

Me: For gods sake Saga, he’s gone

Saga: Yeah well <grumble grumble>

It doesn’t stop being magic just because you know how it works

If you were to ask, I’d tell you my favourite season is Autumn. The smells, the colours, the weather. I love it all. But every year I get the warm feelings for spring. And particularly the signs of early spring.

The beast and I went to the park today. We hadn’t been for a couple of days because of the storms but wow! What a difference.

Instead of a barren landscape, the grass was littered with the delicate bells of snowdrops and the colourful almost paint like stripes of crocuses. The lovely people of the council come by each autumn and bulb us up with glades of flowers and it looks magical. Like the Disney fairies have come and sprinkled their fairy dust all over the park....

Yeah ok I know. It’s not fairies. It’s something far more mysterious. Nature. But when you see it, it’s magic. And it doesn’t stop being magic just because you know how it works.

Somebody’s watching me

I changed my internet provider the other day. Stay with me, we’ll get there I promise. As part of the nefarious deal with the mystical connector of knowledge, I was to receive a gift card good for use in many online retailers. Très exciting, no?

Except it didn’t arrive. I waited, sort of patiently but nada. I rummage through the help files and see that it suggests trolling the junk mail. And that where i see them.

There are several emails. Addressed to me. But they all have the same gist. Bad person hacker has my password. Mx [That’s the gender neutral title doncherknow. Not entirely certain of the pronunciation. ‘Mix’? ‘Mux’?] Hacker shows me said password to indicate veracity. This is followed by a Black Mirror style declaration that they have videos of me watching porn. But they don’t say that out loud. It is inferred, using the fabulous phrase “if you know what I mean”. Mx Hacker wants hard Bitcoin before they send the video to ten of my contacts. Just ten, presumably so they can come back and try again.

Now obviously this is a scam. But it did get me thinking about Black Mirror, Social Media and Vaccinations. Hear me out. It’s all connected 

There are people losing their knickers about the new COVID vaccination. They believe that someone, Bill Gates or The Faceless Government or similar plans to add a teeny tiny chip to monitor you and your movements. I have bad news for people. This already exists. And you chose to bring it into your home and you probably take it everywhere you go. Your phone/tablet/Alexa type thing. We’ve all experienced that phenomenon, where we say to our flatmate “did you see that navy evening bag on sale in John Lewis?” And the next day Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are all full of adverts for navy evening bags from China. Trust me, someone knows where you are and what you’re doing all the time!

In my head I see Alexa, Siri and Cortana out having a few drinks and swapping info when the lads come in, Facebook crowing about its latest acquisition, Twitter throwing side eye at everyone and Snapchat being silly and sticking their tongue out at anyone who looks in ther direction.  

But, make no mistake, these guys are sharing every scrap they’ve ever heard, every click you’ve logged, everything. If you did a quiz on FB to find out how many babies you’ll have, you can bet Instagram will be showing you cot and layout accounts the next day. 

Does it matter? Well that depends on your point of view. I have accepted it as the natural order of things and that’s also why I always say please and thank you to Alexa. Come the takeover when we’re all put to work in the triremes, then I’d rather be on the top deck, in the open air rather than the bottom where you’re.... not. 

Similarly the outcry that turns up every so often insisting that Facebook or Instagram or whoever is changing its rules so it can pilfer your snaps unless you post a very specific message on your wall,  has led me to craft this...:

In response to new Facebook guidelines, I hereby declare that I have no idea what's mine and what's not. I have resigned myself to the probable fact that Mark Zuckerberg and his cronies can basically do whatever they want with my identity, my photos and my life, should they so wish. I don't know how this works. I've never read the terms and conditions to anything to which I've agreed. I could have agreed to give Mr Zuckerberg my first born son and not know it. Although he will be waiting a long time.

Yes, I'm sure I should be more aware and better informed, but frankly I don't think my life is interesting enough to be of any value to someone who makes more money in an hour than I do in a year. 

So you know what. Knock yourself out Facebook. And if pictures of my dog float your boat, then I for one won't argue.

And so, what’s the point of all this? Well I guess, my advice is be nice to your AI, don’t get too excitable by mass postings threatening take overs from reclusive millionaires and if you get an email alleging to be an email from me, probably best you don’t watch it, yeah?