Lillekat’s Lockdown List

It’s been a heck of a year hasn’t it? I remember that fateful day in March when we were planning a “system test” of working from home and suddenly we were all in lockdown and there wasn’t anyone in the park. Queuing for the supermarket, no loo roll, learning the intricacies of Teams and the way Zoom cut out after 45 minutes. Ahh halcyon days.

After a while I began to try and adopt some better habits which I think have kept me <mostly> sane throughout this time, and in case this might prove handy to you, I’ve decided to share. Think of it as my gift to you ;)

Here we go with Lillekat’s Lockdown List

• Finding mindfulness works for me, I’ve been trying to incorporate it into my day. For something that literally takes 10 mins, it’s amazing how hard it can be to “find time” to do it. But I try. If you fancy giving it a go, I use the Calm app which works for me. 
• I get dressed every day. And pop on the old make up and do my hair. Casual dress, but I can go out at the drop of a hat. Oh and I wear a bra. Every day. 
• This is the big one. Get outside. The beast and I go for a walk every day. In the summer months it was a happy stroll, at least twice a day, but as she refuses to go out after dark, we have a definite walk in the morning and I try to get out at lunch time too. 
• I try and get up the same time every day. Don’t always manage it as I’m naturally lazy and the meds make me sleepy but having a routine is important to keeping your cool
• Thinking of routine, I shower every morning. It wakes me up and as I often find one of the first things to go in depression is personal hygiene, it’s a good check on my mood.
• I work from home. I’m lucky to have a study, but having a specific area you go to to work is important. Staying in bed or snuggled on the sofa doesn’t give enough delineation between work and fun.
• Stay in touch. Even I, an anti social so and so, have zoom calls, phone calls, text chums and keep attached with social media. Otherwise you end up have philosophical debates with your dog #nojudgement

i think I was made for lockdown- it suits me and my temperament. You might not be so lucky. Do what you need to do to stay sane and if my little lockdown list helps at all, then that is a bonus.

Stay safe everyone.

World Mental Health Day 2020

It kinda feels like we should have had several mental health days this year, 2020 being the dark year of doom! This year we need to band together and look after each other more so than ever before.

My employer takes the mental health of its workers very seriously and we had a terrific afternoon conference with speakers both from our own and from external. And yours truly was one of said speakers. The theme was Mental Health and Lockdown. And this is what I said. Please forgive spelling and grammar as I’m sure you will.

I was diagnosed in my teens with bipolar disorder or manic depression as it was called then. It wasn’t a surprise. I’d had periods of hyperactivity and low mood and I was genetically inclined towards getting it. I was in fact third generation, my aunt and grandmother also being bipolar

However, it wasn’t until 2007 that I began to be medicated. Prior to that I had been prescribed anti-depressants for the dips but my highs were hypomanic rather than full on mania meaningthat while I was super buzzed, I was able to channel it into my work. My partner called it “getting lost in the matrix” I was working on my masters at the time and would often spend days programming and then not have a clue how I’d managed to achieve the results. Poor decision making is a textbook symptom, either because you assume you’re invincible or you just don’t care about consequences. So there are often apologies following a high episode, and attempts to reconnect after withdrawing dice to a low. This started to scare me a bit as I began to feel excluded from my friends. Cue the famous phone call “are you coming to the pub or are you being boring?”

 

As these things do, my episodes got worse. I would have irrational ideas about adventures; buying a house in and moving to Bulgaria, starting a business, buying several houses in the UK. Then, in 2007 I crashed big time. My partner came with me to the doctor and encouraged me to tell him everything. The highs and the lows as well as my family history. The result was a mood stabiliser combined with an antidepressant.

It took a few goes around the medication merry go round to find the cocktail that worked for me but, since then I have taken the same combination with a few small changes in quantity over the years.

At that time, I decided that children weren’t going to be on the cards. I was terrified of being a manic parent or saying to my child “mummy can’t play with you today”. Having heard what my mother and aunt went through with my grandmother, I knew it wouldn’t be fair. I am a fabulous aunt though.

There are side effects and currently I have the odd hand tremor, I get tired more easily, I have put on weight and I have fabulous acne that I missed out on completely as a teenager. I am also an utter lightweight when it comes to drinking alcohol, so much so that I have practically given it up as a bad job!

I have pondered changing the meds, but these ones work and I would need several months to experiment and get used to new ones. Right now I don’t think it’s worth it.

 

Because I get so tired, I’ve had to learn what I need in my life in order to remain balanced.

I know in myself when my moods or behaviours are becoming unstable and I usually react by removing myself from the situation and taking a break. In the past I was ashamed - uncomfortable about what I needed, preferring instead to have “a cold”, “24 hour bug” “stomach problems” etc.

I was brought up to “get over it” – My father’s response to me being given anti-depressants was “Can’t you just pull yourself together”? Which I think is a common reaction to mental health problems. But as someone who was unable to get up washed and dressed for three months I can tell you that every single person with a mental health condition wishes it was that easy. 

We don’t want to be singled out for being “crazy” or “sickly”.

About 7-8 years ago I began to do a lot more reading around Bipolar and of course Stephen Fry was also becoming very vocal at that time. I started to feel more comfortable in myself and I realised I was doing myself a disservice and so I came “out” and I began to be open and honest about my condition. It is part of me, like some of you are asthmatic or diabetic.

And there are positive sides as well as the more well-known negatives. Creativity, empathy and a passion for process and plans are often more prevalent in people with Bipolar Disorder and who can argue that they are bad things?

 

I am lucky to have supportive managers who make it easy for me to take a break when necessary, to reboot and reset myself. I’m able to say “I need a break” and no one bats an eye! When I told them I was doing his call, my line manager said “Well done – you are brave” and my senior manager sent me an email saying “thanks for being comfortable to share your story” Their support means the world so thank you both.

 

I am now open about my mental health to friends, family and my work colleagues. I use social media to discuss mental health in general and my condition in particular, I have a blog where I share my experiences and pondering and I’m an active member of a local mental health group. 

By wearing my condition on my sleeve, I can support other colleagues including those not in my immediate team. A colleague who had had a less than supportive response from their line manager, was able to talk to me freely and hopefully I’ve been able to make them feel less alone, whilst maybe even helping to educate the line manager.

 

Lockdown brought its own set of concerns. When under stress, I can misread situations and not respond in what’s considered an acceptable manner. I might not have the usual filters when communicating with someone or I may not pick up on nuance. One of the first things to go is my filter followed by the arrival of paranoia. A terrific combination for anyone trying to be professional. My team know this about me so are able to send me messages to help me bring myself back on track.

 

This can of course be exacerbated by meetings taking place over Teams! I am a routine led person, someone who is a BIG fan of process and plans and I don’t react well to change. And I do not like surprises. In fact my sm walked over to me when I was concentrating just to say hi in the good old days when I was in the office. My scream could be heard across the building. 

 

Throughout Lockdown we have made every effort to have a Teams call at least once a day to give everyone the opportunity to talk if they wanted to. We also do a daily temperature check (not for Covid!) so that the team can assess their mood with a score of between 1 and 10. It’s been a way of us bonding together over a lower score or celebrating a high score. Knowing the team were all looking out for each other we were able to make it work using teams and email as well as having a “non work” what’sapp group – A place to let off steam safely.

Talking with my team about my condition and associated issues gave them the courage to share their own anxieties or struggles and it’s made us stronger as a team. By having an open conversation, we have learned things about each other that make us better able to understand each-other and have improved our working relationship. For me, it’s meant that they are able to nudge me if they notice a change or unusual behaviour from me, meaning I have a true support network at work as well as at home.

 

I wanted to join this call as promoting mental health is so important to me and I hope that sessions like this will spark communication and encourage people to feel like they can talk about mental health and ask questions. I am always happy to answer any questions or discuss any concerns you might have. It’s only by sharing, like we are doing today, that we can overcome the stigma of mental health

Feeling fat

“Move it fatty”

The call of the driver as he whizzes past me whilst I cross the road. A flippant comment for him that I’m sure he hasn’t thought about since. But it’s all I’ve been thinking about for the rest of my day. Despite knowing he’s an ass and not worth my concern, my anxiety and inner child alas, refuse to take my advice. And so we find ourselves here. Pondering my feelings and sharing them with you.

I have always had a strange relationship with my weight. As a teenager I was slim. Really slim. I know I was slim because my parents told me so many many times. And I wanted to stay slim. A set of scales in my bedroom let me run the check every day. Under 8 stone = good. Over and no food for me for that day. Later on I resorted to amphetamines to keep my figure at that slimmer level.

It took many years before I got free of both the addiction and the dealer. The downside was an ever increasing lillekat.

Diets followed. Weightwatchers - Check. Slimming World - Check. Keto - check. My fitness pal - Check. Some worked for a while. Some not so much. And yet here I am, still curvier than I’d like and obviously not comfortable with it.

So what is the answer? Well, have you thought about eating less and exercising more? Ha ha I never thought of that. A couple of my conditions don’t help. Don’t get me wrong, the biscuits and the chocolate are the biggest culprits but an under active thyroid and a regular lithium intake don’t make it any easier. Maybe I should just come to terms with it. Anyone know how I do that?

And to the aforementioned driver? I hope that when you sleep a spider makes his way into your mouth. And you wake up.

What’s it worth

I’ve always wanted to be a Patron of the Arts. Like the wealthy Athenians of the early CE centuries, sponsoring playwrights, philosophers or poets, and revelling in their success. I would look enviously at engraved seats in a London theatre or floor tiles at the Royal Exchange. I might not be able to act, sing, paint or anything, but I can appreciate talent and I like to be surrounded by it.

I have never understood the idea that art is not worth paying for. Those directors/ producers offering roles for “exposure” or someone complaining about original artwork price. We see them everywhere. People wanting something bespoke and handmade for the price of a mass produced piece of plastic.

When I am consulting I have a daily rate. It’s what I think I’m worth. And, it turns out what other people are prepared to pay for me. They are paying for my time, my brains and experience and my ginormous skills with a spreadsheet. Now I have a permanent role, this is what my salary is for (plus my superb team management ;)).

That’s in the corporate world, and it translates across into the creative sphere. You are paying for someone’s talent and skill, time, materials, equipment etc. Add to that, it is bespoke, individual and maybe even a one off. So you have to take all that into account.

I keep reading about people who have been asked to knock their prices down for a piece of original work and I see it amongst my more talented chums all the time:

I follow a remarkable embroiderer on Twitter who has said he won’t take commissions any more as people always complain about the price. I’ve looked at his etsy shop. In my view, he under charges. You can check it out here and see what you think https://etsy.me/2YpXGIz

I recently had a worried email from a crafty chum about her cotton masks. She had had someone comment on the value for money and was just checking in. Now I’ve got three. Because they are so cute. And practical. See here https://etsy.me/2YsAAku

I have been able to satiate my longing via some online apps. Patreon.com let’s you give a small monthly payment to an artist or performer to help them create their art. So whilst I cannot afford to sponsor an artist, i am part of a collective who together support artists so that they are able to create and share their talent. Neat huh? 

I also helped publish a book on unbound.co.uk .If you read Evil Machines by Terry Jones, you may notice in the back a list of people who helped make it happen and yours truly is there, in print and everything.

I’m also an avid Kickstarter. Kickstarter allows inventors, producers, creators to get the funding for their project from many people. So rather than a loan of say, £100,000, the producer will offer levels of “treats” for investment. 

Take a movie. You can invest £100 and get your name at the end of the film, or £50 and get a digital copy of the film. The key thing here is that you are investing and therefore it’s a risk. It is not ordering or buying. I am saying (along with maybe 10,000 other people) “I think this is a good idea. Here is my stake to help you try and make it happen”. But I’m not risking £100,000, just £50 or a tenner or whatever.

Sometimes it works out and sometime it doesn’t. Thems the breaks. <shrugs>

And so I ask you to support your local creators and artists. Value their work, like you value your own. 

To creatives feeling silly about asking for money for their work, I beg you to watch Amanda Palmer’s Ted Talk “The Art of Asking.” Let people pay you for your work.

https://www.ted.com/talks/amanda_palmer_the_art_of_asking

On a final note, I’ve got my own tile at Withington Baths and it’s just as fabulous as I’d hoped!

The cry closet

Well here we are again! You may have noticed a severe lack of blogs lately. That’s because I’ve been trying my hand at other kinds of writing. Fanfic mostly but also my own fiction <ooh>. But from time to time a blog is needed. Like now.
Yesterday was not a good day. It was the ultimate bad day at the end of a bad coupla weeks. Work was stressful. As it often is. But my meds weren’t doing their job which meant that

1. My other meds were being flushed through too quickly meaning I was what you could call totes emote
2. My body was dehydrated meaning I was getting headaches and not sleeping

And that led to migraines. Neat how it all ties together right?

Now whilst there may have been mitigating circumstances (see above), that did not excuse me losing my temper with a colleague (or him losing his temper with me). There was a little shouting and then some hugging. But I knew I had stepped out of bounds. And this upsets me. And of course as mentioned, I am totes emote, and so was feeling sad and vulnerable.
As all good humans do, I decided to go to the ladies loo for a wee and a snuffle. I was snuffling away in my cubicle when I heard the door open, causing me to try and stem my snuffle. Then I heard the snuffle of another. There were two of us crying in the loo, for heaven’s sake. I did the only mature thing and exited the cubicle to come red eye to red eye with a colleague from another team. We exchanged glances, ageeed the loo wasn’t the best place to hide as “people keep using it as a bathroom!” and went our separate ways. 
I wasn’t quite ready to rejoin my team so I sat on the stairs for a bit out of the way until I had regained my poise.

Why am I writing this? Well firstly I am still feeling sad and vulnerable and blogging helps me deal with that. But the even reminded me of an article I read about the University of Utah adding a crying closet to their library.
Cry closet!

And I wondered if workplaces should maybe have a cry closet too. A small space for colleagues to go and have a 10 minute snuffle, when it all gets too much.
The one in Uni Utah (UofU?) has soft toys for a snuggle and is “a safe place for stressed out students”. I would like one of them.