I am subject to a new master – The Apple Watch, hereby named Sir. It was a gift from my bestie and even after just 2 weeks I’m hooked. He is so helpful... Most of the time
When I’ve ben sitting down working for a while he goes <nudge> “I say”
Me: yes Sir?
Sir: You’ve been sitting down for a while, you know. Don’t you think it would be a good idea to stand up and walk around a bit?
Me: I’m a bit busy right now…
Sir: OK – It’s your funeral. Tell you what I'll nudge you again in a minute. And again a minute after that.
I get up and walk about
SiR: Well done you have mastered standing!
Me: Thank you, sir
Sir: I’m going to write in my little book about how well you’re standing and when I’m ready, I’ll show it to you.
Me: Gosh. Can you tell me how I'm doing?
Sir: I’m not ready to tell you that yet. It's a secret.
Me: Please?
Sir: Sorry I didn't understand "Please".
10 minutes pass
Sir: Hey HEY! I’m ready to tell you now – You are 30% into your target
Me: Golly and what does that mean?
Sir: I don’t know – I’m just a watch – Here look at this chart. Pretty isn’t it.
Yes it's very pretty - a sort of nested pie chart. Not sure exactly what it means but I do feel like my activity has been validated. And that's a nice feeling.
Other exchanges can be a little more frustrating. For example on the day God decided the Flood was to take place in Manchester, as the deluge hit me and drenched me right through, sir beeped quietly....
Sir: I say, are you there?
Me: yeah but it's pissing down. What do you want
Sir: I just wanted to let you know that heavy rain has started near you.
Me: No kidding, pulling up my sodden trousers so they didn't drag in the puddles.
Sometimes Sir is more enigmatic...
Sir: OOH you have a whatsapp from your niece!
Me: I do? Brilliant! What does it say?
SIr: I'm not going to tell you. But, OOOH You have another whatsapp from your other niece.
Me: Ok well that's annoying.
Sir: You're going to have to look at your phone <sniggers> Where is it again.
Me: In my back pack, you bastard.
Sir: Hey now your first niece has replied. This is turning into a chat. Don't you wish you knew what about?
Me: <stopping and getting the backpack off>. Yes. I'm nosy you KNOW that!
So the overlord doesn't totally replace the phone. It mostly gives clues where you need to find your phone to figure it all out. But that's ok. I always have my phone within arms reach.
I have had quite a few sarky comments about my new servitude and to those people I say this:
Can you send your heartbeat to anyone else (who also has declared servitude to the overlord)? Or a little sketch? No. I didn't think so. I bet you're feeling a little less smug now.
The overlord is big, bossy and beautiful. And I love every sarcastic snide inch of him.
