Mental Health Awareness Week

As part of MHAW, I was asked to produce a short article on Bipolar Condition for the intranet. Below is the article.

An insight into bipolar disorder

11 May 2015

Lillekat explains how bipolar disorder affects her life, her colleagues and her work.

I was diagnosed informally as bipolar, or manic depressive as it was known, when I was about fourteen.  My mood swings went beyond the usual teenage tantrums, and I would veer from periods of depression to episodes of mania with barely a blink.

At various stages of my adult life I was treated for depression with drugs, cognitive behavioural therapy and counselling. Each treatment worked for a while, but then the roller-coaster would begin again. After a particularly bad episode, I was given a mood stabiliser to suppress the highs and lows of bipolar disorder. Whilst this is by no means a “cure” it limits the frequency of episodes and allows an almost normal life.

At previous employers I was very aware that I shouldn't talk about it, I’d rather take days off with ‘flu’, ‘migraine’ or ‘stomach problems’. Since arriving at my current employment, I have been open and honest about my condition. It is a part of me, like some people are asthmatic.

My communication style, my relationship with data and the way I view situations are all directly  affected by my condition, but  I see this as  a strength as well as a vulnerability. I have been fortunate that my managers have been extremely supportive, and colleagues are appreciative of my honesty as it relieves them from wondering and worrying about me. Being able to say “I'm feeling a bit bipolar today” is extraordinarily liberating and means I can still do my work without causing a problem. I am also getting better at recognising a dip or crash coming and I can take steps to deal with it – rather than trying to carry on until a full blown episode. I take a day or two to sleep, reboot and reset myself. This greatly reduces the likelihood of a full episode which would have consequences for me, my team and my work.

Living with a condition like bipolar can be a pain in the proverbial. The lows are scary, horrific and grim. The highs are also scary but thrilling and have a pretty nasty come down afterwards. But its effects are also creative, inspiring, and can give you a real appreciation for life and for the little ‘normal’ things. Having an employer like mine, who embrace the different and the creative, makes dealing with a difficult condition that much easier.

Out and proud, flying colours

After a Facebook chat with a chum who is also the parent of an autistic son, i started to think about how we can let people know we might be a bit different when we look just the same. This can be particularly problematic at work where one persons dashed off email is another's disastrous response that they will brood over for days.  

I decided to trial a signature on my work email. Had a chat with the wellbeing guys who thought it was a tip top idea. On Bipolar day I made the change and my emails now all proudly sport this:

It seemed especially poignant to be sporting my colours when the media was hammering mental health and work as a result of the tragic German plane crash. 

After a couple of days I put it in a different colour. That's right, people, I went all out. 

So far I've had one comment. From someone who knows me. 

But maybe just maybe I'll spark some conversation, a question or two and a little more understanding. 

Ups and downs, ins and outs...

I've had problems with my tummy for as long as I can remember. As a child I had a "nervous stomach", which meant that any excitement caused a rush to the loo. I was told I'd grow out of it. I didn't.

So, I gave up milk, bread, fibrous foods, tinned food in turn, all to no avail. I had cameras down my throat and up my posterior, drank umpteen glasses of water, swallowed anti emetics and liquid barium and was scanned this way, that way and the other way. Nothing. Finally the docs gave up, diagnosed Irritable Bowel and sent me away.

I have been taking the IBS meds for IBS for some years now, not noticing any change and in fact the last year has gotten worse. Not only am I running to the loo several times a day (and with very little notice), but since nothing was staying in very long, my other meds weren't working as well as they should. In fact I take extra meds to try and balance the ins and outs. I was also exhausted all the time. I spend weekends asleep because I don't have the energy to go on otherwise.

So back to the doctor. Another round of bloods, scans and such frolics until I met Him. Professor S. He was the lucky doctor who got to pop a camera where no camera should go. He recognised my symptoms and he thought he knew what it was. I started to cry, and not just because of the probe. Pretty much my whole adult life has been spent making sure I know where the loos are and that I have immodium to hand.

I have had to wait for appointments to become available - It has taken several months but this week I finally took part one of the test which Prof S thinks will clinch the deal. It involves radioactive tablet and a scan or two. Alas no super powers yet, but I am glowing a little more than usual. Next week the second scan and then back to Prof at the end of the month.

I am terrified. What if it isn't what he thought and therefore the tests are only just beginning? He said this was the most likely option but there are others... What if it is this and the prescribed meds don't work? What if they do? The last 30 years have been pretty grim for me and any poor soul who wanted to use the facilities when I'm around! But it's all I know. What if I take the meds but I'm STILL exhausted?  I have been blaming my tiredness on this condition. But what if I'm just a wimp or 'delicate'? What if I will never be able to have late nights or active weekends without booking holiday first?

I'm frightened, I'm tired and my bottom hurts. Also I think gas & air is marvellous, the NHS is wondrous and I just might have a half-life. So it's not all bad...