Nothing irritates me more than posts on Facebook which start "I'm so ugly/fat/stupid/useless". Passive-aggressive attempts to get flattery and comfort from others leave me cold. Feeling low? Have the balls to say so and the mental snuggling will roll in. Similarly the phrase "I have low self esteem" drives me up the wall. You don't. If you did, you wouldn't think you had low self esteem, you'd just think that's how the world was.
My line manager hates me saying that I am clever, or smart or a genius. She thinks it's highly inappropriate for people to say such things about themselves. But if it's true,why should we be ashamed to say that we are good at something?
We seem to live in a culture where success is vilified and failure trumpeted. We prefer people who are modest about their skills and keep quiet about talent. Well I can't. Because here's the thing. Whilst I am highly intelligent and extremely talented in my field, I have lost my edge.
Prior to my formal diagnosis, my mind was, as it were, running free. When programming, I could get lost in the program and come out having achieved my goal but without a clue how it worked. Bear called it "becoming one with the matrix". It was wonderful and frightening. I produced some amazing pieces of work, but if I looked at the code, I could tell you it was mine (like many programmers, I have a distinctive style) but I could not remember writing it.
Now that's gone. The medications that have stabilised me have also dulled that part of the brain that would take over. Don't get me wrong, it was worth it. My life is a million times better now. In fact I have a life! But I refuse to stop acknowledging the part I lost by ignoring my talent as a programmer and all round smartipants. My pants are extraordinary. And smart.
